JUDGEMENT VS JUSTIFICATION

JUDGEMENT VS JUSTIFICATION

By Lubnah Abdulhalim

Photo Courtesy: Salem_Beliegraphy

How many times have you said to someone else, 'don't judge me' or heard it from someone else perhaps? With no doubt this statement is increasingly becoming our biggest yet most lame excuse for everything. Are you being judged too much? Naah. Are you over justifying yourself? YES!

With the coming of technology and the evolution of the world, people have somehow become sensitive over what they say about or comment to someone about their behaviour or actions, which to some extent is not bad. As the common saying goes, 'don't judge others when you don't know their journey,' or that everyone should mind their own business. We are actually advised to give people the benefit of doubt as many times as possible and try to understand their journey rather than automatically criticize what they do or say.

Don't get me wrong, I am a big supporter of giving benefit of doubts, giving people a million other chances and trying to give them space they need but have you noticed how we are increasingly letting ourselves drown in this lame excuse of 'don't judge me?'

It's very important that first people realize that there is a difference between judging someone and correcting them. When I tell you you should reduce on swearing it just means you should reduce on the swearing. Period. There is NO judgement in any way in that statement. But when I start saying that you are good at nothing other than swearing and you are just an evil person who should go straight to hell then yes, I am judging you. Maybe we should learn to differentiate the good intentioned correction from the ill judgement so that we don't unnecessarily over-use the 'don't judge me' statement. But now everyone is obsessed with this statement which actually in other words means, 'I very well know that I am doing wrong but just shut up because this is my life.'

People usually correct others only for either of these three reasons. One is that they really care about you and want the best for you. Second is that your actions or words either irritate, bother or annoy them and lastly, they correct you to criticize you which may end up being counted as a judgement. I'll give this simple example: You have always been a good person but just this one day you are caught stealing; something that you don't usually do..

Person number one: I really know you had a crucial matter that needed urgent attention and that's why you stole...but nonetheless, stealing is still wrong, whatever the reason. Please next time when you need any assistance do come to me or so and so and we will help you ...just don't do it again please because we all know you are not a thief.

Person number two: Listen here bro, I know you are my friend but I was really pissed when I knew that you stole from me. Don't expect me to forgive you any time soon not unless you prove to me that this will never happen again.

Person number three: Hey thief, so what are you planning to steal this time? I always knew you looked like one and now you just proved me right.

In such a scenario, you have no right to say to person number one and two that they are judging you except for the third individual. However, many would still say 'mind your own business.' 'don't interfere with what doesn't concern you' etcetera etcetera etcetera but maybe you should know that whatever you do actually does affect the people around you even if it is indirectly. So please drop the 'don't judge me because only God is supposed to judge me,' and instead accept the truth as it is. Accept positive criticism and most importantly accept that you NEED to be corrected. And not just you, everyone needs to be corrected, guided and shown the way when we are lost. 

Maybe you should also realize that someone else in this world is probably facing a much greater problem than yours yet they still don't go for evil ways to cope up with life. So this kind of justification is most of the times inappropriate. We all do mistakes and most of the times none of us wants to be seen in the wrong but it's just human so please accept your own baggage of mistakes and instead of justifying yourself too much try and swallow your pride and change your ways. And when you feel no one has the right to correct you then please use the right words like, 'don't correct me' instead of 'don't judge me.' Because you are not being judged, you are just over justifying your own mistakes.

WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO ASK YOU AS A MUSLIM RESERVED LADY

WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO ASK YOU AS A MUSLIM RESERVED LADY

By Lubnah Abdulhalim

So we were in a workshop in one of the hotels in Nyali the other day and we were having lunch when one of my mates in the table I was seated in asked me, "Do you remember the three ladies that were seated by the pool yesterday, dancing so provocatively and smoking?" Yeah...I did very well remember the ladies because who forgets pretty ladies in short dresses above the knees, with long hair, grinding and dancing provocatively in broad day light? Then he tells me, "turn around...can you believe those are the same three ladies?" I turned around to see the same ladies in buibuis and in very well tied hijab. I stared speechless for a long while and I kept glancing at them till the last moment they left the hotel.

"Are you sure they are the same ladies?" I asked for the a hundredth time.

"Yes they are...they invited me to their room yesterday evening," another European mate answers.

"Out of curiosity, what did you answer them?"

"I told them I am sorry, I am married and I really like her (my wife)"

"That's why I don't trust women in buibui. They hide so much inside. It's a shocker," the other mate says.

So they go on and talk about how pretentious Muslim women are and I am left there totally speechless because I can't even justify anything. It's the truth...and we all know it. And there came the topic of Somali ladies and how different they are; talking of the ones from North Eastern and the ones from Nairobi and Mombasa. All this while I hear them talk about this and I am just as helpless. I walk away to go wash my hands when I am called to another table of my other mates of the project. The table has four other people and they welcome me to sit with them and that they wanted to question me.

So they ask me, "did you see the ladies?"

Yeah. I saw the 'famous' women.

"What do you have to say about it?"

I keep quiet for a while. "It's sad" That's all I could say. That's the best that my mind could produce at the moment.

"Those three ladies came to me yesterday. I didn't get a room in this hotel so they invited me to spend the night with them, in their room. And do you know where they asked me that? Right there at the reception, right in front of all those people at the front desk, in broad daylight. And now I see them in buibuis I am shocked! Considering what they were wearing yesterday and what they were doing, is this what women in buibuis hide underneath?"

"That's just the wrong display of the attire. The wrong judgement."

"So if I wear a kanzu, is there a way that I should behave in it?"

"Yes...that's an identity to us. The buibui and the kanzu is our identity; and that's just a misuse of it."

"So if I want to hold your hand, how should I do it?"

"Don't do it."

"But I meant how should I hold it such that it doesn't offend you?"

"JUST DON'T DO IT."

So they started questioning the wisdom behind not shaking hands, about clubbing and having fun. And of course, they referred back to their Muslim friends whom they go clubbing with and drink with, whom they hug and have fun with. And one went one to explain that actually, it is Muslims that are best to have such kind of fun with and of course, without the mention that some have dated Muslim ladies.

For a moment I felt intimidated and greatly challenged, because I was one against two while the other two just listened. So they went on, "So you don't go clubbing, you don't shake hands, you don't go dancing...what do you do for fun?! You read?"

I knew that was meant as a sarcasm but I still said "Yes, I read."

They stared at me and I asked, "why are you staring like I am from another world?"

"Because you are from another world."

"And are you planning to stay like this till you get married?"

"I pray so."

The other laughs and says, "you are the kind that will one day break all the rules and maybe even run away from home..."

Well, the conversation didn't end there but  I felt I was being interrogated and intimidated because not only do people want to understand why Muslim ladies don't act as expected; a jewel covered in a veil, but they also want to understand WHY in capital letters you are different. I will not judge the ladies nor all the others who do the same because in the end of the day, we all trip and lose our way at some point in life instead we should pray for them and including ourselves. Anyway, this isn't about them or even what happened it is about how impunity has become so common to us and within us to a great extent that we no longer are surprised about it. We see it as normal, especially in Mombasa right?? Well, this SHOULD NOT be normal. It should haunt us and worry us and irritate us and pain us because declaring this normal shows that we gave in to Shaitan.

From my own experience in several places of work, this topic keeps coming again and again. They will try to provoke you and make you feel like you are missing out on the world. That you are not living life to the fullest and they will always compare you to the other Muslim ladies who do everything that you don't.

They will want to understand what makes the difference and why shouldn't a lady go for just what she wants. And probably this is one of the biggest challenge of a Muslim lady especially in a work place or in universities. These conversations keep freaking me out because the more they talk about it, the more I am made to feel that at some point I am going to fall short as well. Yes. They totally get into your open door in your mind and poke your deepest weaknesses because they very well know we, the Muslim career ladies, are never really prepared to answer these same questions.

Maybe we really need to think about it deeply; get intelligent answers that will make them understand. One thing though, is that we can't really blame these people. We can't. Because we have brought this to ourselves. I can't blame them for asking all that they asked me at the lunch or the so many times before because even if I were in their place, I'd be curious to know what is the real story about the Muslim ladies in buibuis. I can't blame them for all the times they asked why some do this and some do that. None of us can really.

However, the commonly asked questions are:

1. Why don't you shake hands? 

2. How comes others do and even hug? 

3. Are you a racist?

4. I've dated Muslim ladies, gone clubbing with many of them, drink alcohol with them why won't you?

5. Is it because I am a Christian?

6. Would you accept a Christian if they converted?

7. Why do some wear very tight fitting buibuis?

8. Why are Muslim ladies so pretentious?

9. At work place are you also going to refuse the boss' hand? Or someone like the president?
10. What is wrong with dating?

The questions go on and on but even without being judgmental, I'm hoping that one day the Muslim ladies that are portraying the wrong impression of Islam would understand how the same non Muslims that they go out with and have 'fun' with use them as examples all the time and not just as examples; but as bad examples; portraying Muslim women as very cheap. And this is not just for the ladies but also for our Muslim brothers who do the same actions which are regarded as inappropriate in Islam and still expect to get good wives. How do you drag other people's sisters to the clubs and ruin their dignity and still want to have a chaste woman?   

I'm hoping that they realize how much the Muslim ladies are being talked about like a dirty toilet rug that should be stepped on. I'm hoping that we can be more responsible on how we portray our identity as Muslims.I'm hoping because I realize the challenges out there especially when you are a lady of both principles and dreams. I'm hoping because I fear for my own self. I'm hoping as much as I am praying that God guides us all. Ameen.

LOOKING BEYOND THE IMPERFECTIONS

LOOKING BEYOND THE IMPERFECTIONS

By: Lubnah Abdulhalim

Photo Courtesy: mrvnmdn

The best thing about imperfections is that they make us who we are and they always make us stronger and braver than before. The silly mistakes we make at work, at school, at home or with our friends don’t mean we are stupid or useless as some of us may think. Man is to error and no one is perfect however successful or perfect they may look in your eyes.

Even the most successful and popular personalities, failed or had low points at some period. But what made them what they are today is their hard work and passion to go beyond those failures and imperfections. It is that effort they made to be better people that got them recognized as achievers.

Losing hope and giving up at the first sign of failure just shows how weak a person is. If everyone gave up at the first sign of hardship, then we definitely wouldn’t have achievers. Sometimes, failure tests our faith and amount of trust we have in ourselves. We have to be the kind of people who don’t have to regret later on that we didn’t work hard enough to get to our goals. We have to keep on trying again and again until we finally get to the peak of the mountain and we can finally shout “Yes! I am finally here.”

One may say to themselves “I tried and tried and tried, again and again, but I didn’t succeed, so what is the point?” The thing is, maybe you didn’t really try in the best way possible or maybe you gave up too early or maybe you were simply pursuing the wrong goal. Wanting to be a doctor while you are very poor in sciences, or going for an accountancy course while mathematics twists you upside down, or opening a new restaurant in an area where all hotels are closing, may be the reason why you failed.

Instead of giving up hope, sometimes you just need to refocus. After you’ve tried your level best and still haven’t succeeded, why not focus on your strengths or review your game-plan? Everyone is good at something and even if you haven’t realized then do know you have a gift. You just have to discover it.

To minimize the risk of failure it is important to carefully consider your goals and plans. Think long and hard before undertaking any major project. Consider the following questions: ‘do I have what I need to make it?’, ‘Is this what I really want?’, and ‘Is this the best use of my skills and resources?’ but most importantly, ‘am I being realistic?’ after you’ve sat down and asked yourself such questions, then this is where you bring in all your effort, passion, hard work, zeal and focus to make your dreams and goals come true.

But remember; don’t mind the mistakes or failures. Learn from them and make yourself a better person from your imperfections. As the famous American author, Zig Ziglar once said, if you learn from defeat, you haven’t really lost.

IS BEING COOL THE COOLEST THING TO BE IN MOMBASA? PART 2

      

Photo Courtesy: Salem_Beliegraphy

By Lubnah Abdulhalim

The first thing any parent would ask you when you go ask for their daughter's hand is, 'what do you do for a living?' of course it is their right to ask that. All parents want the best for their children and when you mention that your job is carrying cement, the first instinct would be that you wont be able to provide for their daughter and the children to come. Well maybe it would be your duty to prove them wrong by elaborating how you have a plan for the future. Parents easily get impressed when they see someone had previously arranged for their future; say, you have a saving account that was just for your wife-to-be and children and so on. of course it will be tough to convince them that carrying cement can make you sustain a family so maybe it is up to you to put in the effort to prove them wrong. But the question one should ask themselves is, 'is it really worth it?' Sometimes you may do all you can to show the parents of the girl that you can take up full responsibility, they will still put up walls to prevent you from marrying their daughter. But that is where we are always advised to marry/get married from people with same backgrounds as us because there will always be a time whereby the issue of class will be an issue between the two families. If you are hustling and you go approach a family whereby their daughter wakes up to find breakfast on her bed, then they will obviously not want any less than that. If their daughter is always in a prado, they will expect you to drive her in nothing less than a prado let alone make her board a matatu. As much as this is a wrong way of living and thinking but this is the reality. For you, providing ugali for both lunch and dinner may be what you consider as enough to sustain a family while for someone else, sustaining a family means being able to provide for their daughter a full meal from starters to the dessert. And this is how most people end up being rejected in families. I will repeat, it is not the right way of thinking or even living because this is definitely not what our prophet p.b.u.h taught us but nonetheless, sadly, not everyone is ready to follow his example. But still, we are taught to believe in qadar; which is our destiny, and if Allah has already planned that you marry this girl from a higher social class than you, you will still marry her by God's will, even if the whole world is against the marriage.

So parents always have this notion of, 'ah what will I be telling people when they ask what my son-in-law or even son is doing?! How can I say he is does a bodaboda business/sells vegetables in the market or that he is a carpenter?!' Why? because to them this is not cool; not classy. And this is even why you rarely see Mombasa youth driving bodabodas or selling vegetables in the market; because they have always heard it from their parents criticizing such jobs, so they too grow up with the notion that it is not their standard to have such jobs. They would rather stay jobless and keep complaining about leaders who haven't accomplished the promise of providing proper jobs. Truth be said here, we have jobs like the matatu industry, these people earn a very good amount of cash per day than quite some people working in offices. But there is also this perception of matatu workers being miraa chewers and drunkards and so on and the parents therefore wouldn't really accept a matatu worker to join their family. We can't really blame them for such a perception because this bad image exists but nonetheless, you won't miss some of the matatu workers who are clean from any kind of drugs and may be all they have to do is prove it...but again, only when it is worth it and when you know your efforts can bring out a good result of being accepted in the family.

As much as we will blame the youth for only seeking what is cool in their eyes, the bigger blame goes to the parents. When they see that their sons can't get an office job, then they would rather send them to Dubai or Suudiya or Qatar so they work there. Funny thing is, the jobs that they are given over there can still be done here but their hilarious notion is 'I'd rather that my son sweeps the streets of Dubai rather than Kenya or Mombasa.' Why? because to them it is really cool to say 'my son works in an Arab country or abroad' irregardless of what they are doing there. And the people being told this rarely ask 'what kind of a job is he doing in Dubai?' all that matters is that he is not here and he is there. And sometimes, working out there becomes the easy ticket of being accepted as a son-in-law. This is a stupid way of thinking honestly because it is just like those people who do business just so that they are recognised as business men even when they are not benefiting from it. As in kiswahili we commonly say, 'yani bora wao wajulikane wana biashara tu! ata kama haileti faida!' They'd rather drive a prado bought from lent money rather than own a bicycle bought from their own sweat.

Sadly, we have let our egos take over us and now all that matters is our outside image; how our neighbours will see us, our class and our standards, be seen driving a mercedes even when the petrol was bought from lent or even stolen money, even when in reality inside our homes we are dying from hunger. Just because it is cool? That is sooo NOT cool!