WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

'Why is this happening to me' is one of the very frequent questions we ask when we are in despair, when we are sad and in pain. Sometimes we are so angry with God, we don't understand why we go through what we do. We demand for answers from anyone who seems pious or close to God. We ask 'Why is there evil on earth?' 'Where is God? Why is He not answering my prayers?' 'I have been good all my life. I've been a consistent worshipper, I've been obedient to Him and to my parents and I haven't harmed anyone, why did God give me this illness? Why am I struggling?' At this point we have heard enough of 'Be patient', 'Keep praying' and all the other consolations we say to each other in difficult situations. We want to understand WHY.

If you ask me i'd tell you, this life is a test. Thousands of years before we came to existence, it was already ordained for us that we'd come to this earth and we'd have to work with sweat and blood to earn Jannah. But you probably have heard enough of that already. You want satisfactory answers. But part of the test is that you won't have all the answers. There is no one who will ever come to you and say, 'So, on this date, when you were 25 years old you committed injustice to so and so...that's why you became bankrupt today.' Or that you missed your only chance to get a scholarship because two years later, another better chance will be there for you. We don't and won't have the privilege that nabii Musa aleyhi salaam got by learning the wisdom behind tragic events from Al Khidhr. No. Nothing like that will ever happen. Sometimes, maybe months or years later you come to appreciate what happened to you because now you can see the wisdom behind God's plans. And sometimes, you won't understand one bit of what is going on and you will never get the closure you need, but will you still believe?? Will you still have faith that God is the best of Planners and wants what is best for you? Will we learn to trust as from the stories of our prophets and the pious people that came before us?

In a hadith in sahih Bukhari, the Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’” Some of the commentaries of this hadith is this: Imam Nawawi (may Allah have Mercy upon him) also said: “al-Qadi ‘Iyad said that this means He will forgive him if he seeks such, will accept his repentance if he repents, will answer him if he supplicates, and will suffice him if he asks for something. It is also said that it refers to having hope and longing for relief, and this is more correct.”

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have Mercy upon him) said: “Most people – in fact, all of them except those protected by Allah – assume other than the truth, and assume the worst. Most people believe that they are deprived of their rights, have bad luck, deserve more than what Allah gave them, and it is as if they are saying: ‘My Lord has wronged me and deprived me of what I deserve,’ and his soul bears witness to this while his tongue denies it and refuses to openly state this. And whoever digs into his soul and comes to know its ins and outs will see this in it like fire in a triggered explosion…And if you dig into anyone’s soul, you will see that he blames fate and would rather have something else happen to him than what actually did, and that things should be this way or that…So, dig into your own self: are you protected from this? If you are safe from this, you have been protected from something great. Otherwise, I do not see that you have been saved.” [Zad al-Ma’ad]

There is a very thin line between belief and disbelief and questioning, is one of those things that can drastically push you to the other end of the line. Many people have found God due to questioning, researching and contemplating life while many other pious people ended up falling into disbelief because of constant questioning which ended up in wrong conclusions. This is why we need to be careful on what we say and how we say it, the intention behind it. One of the main reason atheists don't believe in God is because they question how and why there is evil on this earth if there is a Just and All-knowing God.

In a hadith in sahih Bukhari [Volume 2, Book 24, Number 555:], the prophet p.b.u.h talks about this:

Narrated Ash-sha`bi:

The clerk of Al-Mughira bin Shu’ba (radiallaahu `anhu) narrated, “Mu`awiya (radiallaahu `anhu) wrote to Al-Mughira bin Shu’ba (radiallaahu `anhu): Write to me something which you have heard from the Prophet (sallallaahu `alayhi wasallam) .” So Al-Mughira (radiallaahu `anhu) wrote: I heard the Prophet (sallallaahu `alayhi wasallam) saying, “Allah has hated for you three things:

1. Vain talks, (useless talk) that you talk too much or about others.

2. Wasting of wealth (by extravagance)

3. And asking too many questions (in disputed religious matters) or asking others for something (except in great need).

All I mean is, sometimes we just have to trust God's plan and His process. Sometimes we just need to have this undoubted faith that God knows your pain and will surely take care of you.

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have Mercy upon him) also said: “The more you have good expectations of your Lord and hope in Him, the more you will rely on and trust in Him. This is why some explained true reliance and trust to be having good expectations of Allah. In reality, having good expectations of Him leads to relying on and trusting in Him, as it is unthinkable that one can trust in someone that he has bad expectations of or no hope in, and Allah Knows best.”

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, thinking well about Allah is a part of the excellent worship of Allah.”

There is this quote by Ibn al-Qayyim rahimahu Llah that is too beautiful. He said:"Had Allah lifted the veil for his slave and shown him how He handles his affairs for him, and how Allah is more keen for the benefit of the slave than his own self, his heart would have melted out of the love for Allah and would have been torn to pieces out of thankfulness to Allah. Therefore if the pains of this world tire you do not grieve. For it may be that Allah wishes to hear your voice by way of duaa. So pour out your desires in prostration and forget about it and know; that verily Allah does not forget it."

So the next time you are asking yourself 'why is this happening to me' or someone asks you the same, tell yourself this ayah:

'Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tried?' Surat Ankabut: Verse 2.

May Allah grant us the patience and great faith in whatever He plans for us. Ameen.

P.S Our next creative writing training is set for next month in shaa Allah. Kindly check the details in the poster for registration. Please share!!

10 WAYS PARENTS HEIGHTEN DEPRESSION

One of the saddest things is hearing people say, "I need help but I don't want my family to know..."It says a lot about the person, the situation and the family; especially the parents. It is a messed up society. The youth are afraid to speak up about their struggles and depression because they are afraid of their parents' reactions. The situation is such that depression is almost becoming a trend now. And the parents? They remain oblivious of how much their children are struggling. I am not pointing fingers at anyone. As I said, it is a messed up situation. The youth could be unnecessarily worried about speaking up. Perhaps their parents would in fact listen and help them get help. Perhaps they would be supportive. Perhaps you speaking up would be a wake up call for them. How would you know if you never approached them? This generation is so good at hiding so we can't entirely blame the parents for not miraculously knowing you're in pain. The family on the other side could be playing a role; sometimes a major role, in the problem itself. Carrying on with the same old traditions and customs, our parents seem blinded on how much they actually play a role in facilitating depression amongst their children. Here are some ways in which parents, unintentionally cause unnecessary pain, struggle and hopelessness.

1. Forcing them to take up courses/careers they aren't interested in: I was talking to this 18 year old girl who just completed form four. She says she HATES maths, she FAILED maths and she doesn't want anything to do with it. Oh well guess what, her family still thought that being an accountant is the only way to succeed in this life.I couldn't understand how anyone could see her misery and still force her do this. It is sad, so sad, that parents have this one track mind. Parents believe they know what is best for their children (which majority of the times is true) but sometimes this is not the reality. If someone despises something that much, what kind of life do you expect your child to have at university? Sleepless nights, over-working themselves, breaking down cause of constant failure...what for?? Is it really worth it?? Even if they indeed work their sweat off and pass their exams, what kind of a career will they have? One whereby they deal with numbers for eight constant hours, seven days a week...do you expect your child to lead a happy life? Will they be any less valuable or worthy if they didn't become that person you expect them to be or that they didn't follow your footsteps?? Go ask around the students at university, ask them what they study and majority will tell you they do it because they had no option. Because their parent chose this course for them. Because becoming an artist or a chef or a journalist won't take you that far. But would it give them a chance to grow? A chance to go after their dreams? A chance to be happy? So long as it is something that can still earn them some money and is decent enough then why not?? WHY NOT?!

2. Imposing their beliefs/opinions on their children: This happens a lot. A child is rarely allowed to have his/her own opinions. So a father would tell his son, 'A real man marries from his own tribe' or 'A real woman should know how to carry firewood on her back'...This and that and that..Opinions are fine but imposing them on someone else is what is wrong. What if your son would love to marry someone from a different far-off culture, does it make him any less a man? What if your daughter knows how to sew clothes instead of carrying firewood, what do we label her? As much as we'd love our children to think in a certain way or to be our copies, it is wrong to force to them think in a certain way. The best a parent can do is advise. If a child follows their own path despite your words, they'll be the ones to face the consequences of their actions; whether good or bad. Let your children fly. If they bump into a tree and fall down, they'll come back to you crying and seeking your wisdom. Yet still, don't cut their wings. You can't protect them from the word, you can only guide and pray for them.

3. Forcing/Pressurizing them into marriages: 'I got married at 18, you are 28 and you are still single' 'I was a father at your age' 'This is the best bride you could get'. I get it, parents get worried about their children; where they are headed to, whom they'll have a family with, whether they'll settle down like their mates or not. We get it. It is a scary world and it's natural for them to be worried or desire to take control of their matters. But the reality is that your son/daughter is the one who will live with that person, that it is them who will handle the responsibilities, that it is them who will live that life. At least give them the chance to choose their paths; what time they decide they are ready to settle and who they want to settle with. Don't make them any less human for not not being married yet or for not wanting the person you chose for them.

4. Comparing them with other children: This includes comparison amongst siblings. We are all built differently, with different personalities and different emotions within us. We experience the same things differently and different things the same way. We come from different backgrounds and the words we use in our home could be banned in yours. Your child could start speaking at two years and another at four. Your child and your neighbours' could go to the same school since kindergarten and live in the same environment, yet they'd still perform differently and have different opinions. That is how it is, even for siblings living under the same roof with the same parents. We are different. Parents tend to make this mistake to always compare their children with others. It could be in performance, achievements, beauty, neatness, skills...anything really. Yet this is how they slowly ruin their childrens' self esteem from a very tender age.

5. Getting children mixed up with adult problems: This is in the case of divorce or separation or just parents having frequent fights amongst themselves. Many times the parents never consider the effects of these fights on their children. Many children from broken families end up having trust issues or being depressed or unable to commit to any relationship. Parents would fight over custody of children, make them choose whom they want to live with, keep repeating to them how their other parent is worthless or is a bad parent, comparing the bad habits of the children to their other parent and so on. Children end up being exposed to unnecessary drama and chaos, traumatizing them psychologically and the effects would be seen way into their adulthood.

6. Rarely showing appreciation: A child could be responsible, obedient, hardworking...but the parent would never take a minute to praise them or show them appreciation or tell them how worthy they are. But once this same child does a mistake, he/she would be lectured, insulted and maybe even not spoken to. There is no balance and as such, the child ends up feeling worthless despite everything else good that they do.

7. Absent parents: These are the worst. Because you can barely tell if these children have parents or not. They are either too busy working, or too busy fighting, or too busy travelling, or too busy with their own business, they rarely have time for their children. They could be providing for them their basic needs but they don't offer the emotional connection they desperately need. Sometimes they are forced to take up responsibilities, bigger than their age to cover for their parents' absenteeism. This sometimes leads to the children seeking love or any emotional bond elsewhere to compensate for what they lack.

8. Never involving children in family decisions: It all starts with the small things. If a parent involves his/her child in decision making with regards to the house issues, then the child automatically feels valued. Even if it is by asking them what food to cook today or what colour they think will be best if painted in the room. The child feels that his opinions and thoughts are welcomed, wanted and appreciated. Even if their suggestions won't be accepted, the children will still feel proud and their confidence will obviously boost. Yet what happens when the opposite happens? A child gets home and is just informed that the next day they are moving to another town. A child gets home and his father has traveled abroad without a word. A child gets home and some of his clothes have been given out. As much as parents have the right to do whatever they want in their homes, it does certainly have an impact on a child with regards to whether or not he was informed/involved or asked his opinion. Unfortunately we tend to think asking for children's opinions is too Western but children often surprise us with their thoughts. And it is by these small decisions that children get to assume how much their opinions are valued or not.

9. Never supporting their ventures: So your child decided to open a furniture shop instead of the tiles shop you wanted them to. You decide you won't support them. In fact, why talk to them even? They disobeyed me. But maybe your child believes that this will work out better for them. Maybe they love dealing with furniture and decors. Maybe this is a risk they must take for them to know what they are capable of. Sometimes all a parents needs to do is show support despite the differences in opinions. One can't say the support doesn't matter. It definitely does. One becomes more confident when they know they have their family backing them up.

10. Parents who are too proud to accept their mistakes: Indeed we are all human beings with so many flaws. Parents sacrifice and do a lot to ensure their children have good, stable lives. No one can delete or ignore their efforts. However, parents sometimes ignore their own wrongdoings and mistakes despite them having an impact on their children. They wouldn't accept they are wrong when they publicly embarrass their children for lack of some skills, they wouldn't accept their mistakes when their children's teacher complains of their absenteeism to the parents' meetings. They wouldn't accept they are wrong when they demoralize their own children or when they send their young children to buy them weed. So first they make the mistake and second, they demand that no one questions the way they raise their children. Having stubborn parents like that, a child may end up having low self esteem, or have the wrong view of life or themselves. The child may end up thinking that accepting mistakes means one is weak, so they follow suit. There are many ways in which this could affect a child.

As much as we love and respect our parents, maybe it is high time we said it out loud that many are the reason their children are undergoing depression or being constantly sad. They also play a role in silencing the screams from within due to the children's' fear. Maybe it is high time we are open about these things so that maybe, just maybe, the future generations can have better, understanding parents. Ameen!

P.S. I dare you to try talking to your parents about what's stressing and eating you up. You never know. You just never know. It could be your gateway to a healthier relationship with them. Plus, they could help you through your dark times, who knows?!

MATERIALISM: FOR THE LOVE OF WEALTH

N.B: This essay was initially submitted to Islamic Online University, Department of Psychology (with a few additions). It is thus subjected to copyright. Enjoy!

There is a reason why we all love to see ‘SALE!’ on our favourite shopping malls or anywhere really; it means buying, buying and more buying. There is some sort of excitement that comes with shopping and an ego-inflating thrill of owning it afterwards when we buy things we want, even when not really needed. We often confuse this short-term spark of endorphins and dopamine to be happiness until the stuff we have bought lay around for some while and we realize it wasn’t such a big deal anyway. This leads to further acquisition of other materials so as to acquire the same kind of elation once again. When we become too engrossed in the consuming habit and making it a priority, we end up being materialistic people.

Belk (1984) describes materialism as "The importance a consumer attaches to worldly possessions" and "possessions assume a central place in a person's life and are believed to provide the greatest sources of satisfaction and dissatisfaction".

Advertisers play a big role in influencing materialism. Advertisements eat away at people's happiness and erode the general satisfaction they have with what they already own. It makes people feel inadequate and sometimes tamper with their self-worth and in return, brainwash them into buying ‘happiness’ or items that would make them feel better about themselves.

Unhappiness unfortunately generates a need for material possessions and more wealth. For this reason, unhappiness and materialism reinforce each other; materialism breeds unhappiness and vice versa. (Akers, n.d.) This has been depicted in TV shows, movies and many other online posts where unhappy or depressed people go for shopping in pursuit of extinguishing the emptiness or pain within them. In retrospective, people who frequently watch these TV shows and consume the media a lot, end up believing that materialism is an effective and spontaneous way to acquire happiness.

While many have fallen victim of materialism in pursuit of happiness, another plausible explanation as to why people continue to purchase materialistic goods is the social comparison theory (Festinger, 1948). By the social comparison theory we refer to how people often compare themselves to their peers, friends and family. Trying too hard to fit in, people go an extra mile to purchase, acquire and own things that sometimes don’t work with their current income or savings. Some take huge debts and some misplace their priorities for the same. This might grant them social acceptance and to be regarded from a certain class, it doesn’t grant them happiness or inner peace.

Materialism has adverse effects on the minds and happiness of people. The first thing is that, materialism causes erosion of moral values. When a person puts a great importance to money and worldly possessions, they tend to give up most of their moral values to get what they want. 

Sometimes they lose their sense of right and wrong and become too pre-occupied in gaining what they yearn for. They become selfish, envious and too aggressive in being discontent with themselves and what they possess. An example of this is when people indulge in disgusting sexual relations just to acquire wealth and status or when they turn against their own friends and family and commit injustice to take wealth from them.

People tend to be blinded with greed once they taste the thrill of materialism. They want more and more and they’d overcome all limits to get what they want. Some people go to the extent of committing murder and breaking the law just to acquire the things they want. It becomes like a dangerous addiction where one no longer cares what they have to do, to get these worldly possessions.

Consumerism may breed narcissistic personalities. According to psychologist Tim Kasser, narcissists turn to actions of arrogance and are very concerned with issues regarding their worth to other people. They turn to other people for self-assurance. Materialism affects the mind in the same way.

Narcissists’ desire for external validation fits well with the conception of materialistic values as extrinsic and focused on others’ praise. They seek power and prestige to cover their inner feelings of emptiness and low self-worth. People in consumerism driven cultures believe their worth as a person is measured by how much stuff they own. As such, it is quite expected that a materialistic person may turn out to be narcissistic as well.

With all the moral values gone, it becomes very difficult for a materialistic person to have healthy relationships with other people. Their entire world revolves around money, wealthy people and how to gain more. As such, they rarely have time to make proper connections and to be compassionate with other beings. Materialism has been proven to be one of the reasons for lower marital quality and unhappiness in marriages.

With all the social media channels that we have, life couldn’t be harder for teenagers and young adults. They spend hours online scrolling and admiring how their peers and their idols seem to be spending and ‘being happy’. There are new trends coming up every other day and keeping up with it all becomes too overwhelming. Society pressures them to ‘look cool’ and keep up with these trends so as to fit in. This makes some of them fall into depression or to be manipulative so as to acquire what they want. Materialism in teens could also lead to self-esteem issues and bullying, because they are pressured into buying these things and are often teased if they don’t.

The alarming mistake we are making is allowing ourselves to believe that material possessions will enhance our well-being and the quality of our lives. Despite this being a wrong belief, it is widely embraced by both the poor and the rich.

Our deen, Islam has set for us the perfect way of living and if followed, most of the agony and pain we inflict on ourselves wouldn’t be available. As much as we as Muslims are encouraged to seek better and comfortable livelihoods, there are limits to everything. Material possessions are regarded as secondary to moral and spiritual development of human personality. We therefore are to strive for the hereafter more than the temporary worldly possessions.

To effectively deal with materialism, a Muslim can adopt the following principles as established by Allah (S.W.) in the qur’an and by the prophet (P.B.U.H).

1. Focusing on the purpose of this dunya: Allah (S.W) clearly states in the qur’an: “And this life of the world is nothing but a sport and play; and as for the next abode, that most surely is the life, did they but know.” (Surah Al Ankabut: 29: 64) This life is temporary and when we die, everything we ever possessed becomes for those we live behind. This should motivate us to strive for the hereafter which is eternal.

If the purpose of life is to become wealthy, there would be no purpose after becoming wealthy. Many people yearn to become wealthy with the thought that this is what will give them happiness and satisfaction of this life, however, when they attain the wealth, the reality dawns on them that materials can never fulfil them. This eventually leads to feelings of despair and depression.

The true purpose of our existence is to worship Allah (S.W) and to seek his pleasure and if we follow His path, then this dunya wouldn’t mean so much to us. We would focus on attaining jannah in the hereafter where we will attain the true happiness and bliss.

2. Being content (Having qan’a3a): Prophet Muhammed (saws) said, "Riches does not mean having a great amount of property; real wealth is self-contentment." Sahih Bukhari. For us to be content we need to look at those below us and not those above us. We should buy what we need and not just want. We should be content with Allah has given us without being greedy. This will set the limits on how much one seeks to spend on material world.

3. Acting selflessly and giving charity: When we look outward and strive to help other people, the more we become happy and content with our own lives. Allah (S.W) says: “If you offer up to God a goodly loan, He will amply repay you for it, and will forgive you your sins: for God is ever responsive to gratitude, forbearing.” We should feel empathy for the poor and know that they have rights on our excess money. The benefits of sadaqah have been mentioned in many ayahs and hadith and they act as a good shield from materialism.

4. Avoiding Israf: Imam Jafar Sadiq (as) said: "If a son of Adam (as) possessed two vast valleys wherein gold and silver flowed, he would still wish to search for the third one." This shows how weak we are as human beings when it comes to wealth. Nonetheless, Allah (S.W) warns us, “…and eat and drink and be not extravagant; surely He does not love the extravagant.” (Surah al-Ar’āf 7:31)

5. Showing gratitude to Allah (S.W): Allah promises us in the qur’an that if we are grateful He will indeed increase His favours upon us. Showing gratitude is beneficial for our souls for it makes us appreciate what we are granted and be content with it.

From all the above, we can see there is no direct correlation between income and happiness. Wealth may help in improvement of quality of life but even so, once the basic needs are met, wealth makes very little difference to one’s overall well-being and sense of happiness. In fact, extremely wealthy people actually suffer from higher rates of depression.

In conclusion, materialism has proven to be a dreadful disease in our current society and for us to be truly happy in this life, we need to follow our shariah and sunnah that gives us the right way to live well in this dunya.