WOMEN OF JANNAH: MARYAM ALEYHA SSALAM

This article (the edited version) was first posted on the Standard Newspaper, Ramadhan insert on 1st May 2020.

Photo Courtesy: Ahmed Elmawi.

Ibn Abbas reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The best of women among the people of Paradise are Khadija bint Khuwaylid, Fatimah bint Muhammad, Maryam bint ‘Imran, and ‘Asiyah bint Muzahim, the wife of Pharaoh.” For our Ramadhan series in shaa Allah, we will discuss the stories of these four magnificent women. Today we start with the story of Maryam Aleyha ssalam. Bismillah.

#The Dua (The Prayer)

It all begins with one beautiful dua. One sincere supplication. One important pledge by a pious mother. Hannah, the wife of Imran and mother of Maryam,   made a special dua when she became pregnant.

“Mention, (O Muhammad), when the wife of Imran said, “My Lord indeed I have pledged to you what is in my womb, consecrated (for your service), so accept this from me. Indeed, you are the Hearing, the Knowing.” Then she goes on to say, “And I have named her Mary, and I seek refuge for her in You and (for) her descendants from Satan, the expelled (from the Mercy of Allah.)” (Qur’an; 3: 35-36)

This supplication was accepted by Allah Subhanahu Waatala and Maryam became the greatest woman of her generation. She was very devoted, very pious, very chaste; the noblest and purest of all women. And just as her mother had pledged, Maryam did become attached to the service of the Sacred House to worship Allah therein. Take note that the dua wasn’t just for Maryam. Hannah included her descendants in it, and thereafter Maryam’s son, Essa aleyhi ssalam became a prophet. This also shows the importance of choosing a pious spouse who will thereafter be a guiding light to the children.

It all began with a dua. Something we sometimes take so much for granted. It reminds us of the power of dua and its huge capacity to change fate. Allah Subhanahu Wataala says: “And your Lord says, “Call upon Me; I will respond to you.”” (Qur’an; 40: 60)

Common misconception is that Allah Subhanahu Wataala only responds to the pious. You might be thinking, ‘But I am not Hannah, the wife of Imran who was mentioned in the Qur’an, why would Allah respond to me?’ Yes, Allah will respond to you because you are His beloved and He loves you just as well. He will respond to you if only you take a moment to raise your hands and supplicate sincerely. Yes, He will respond because He says:

“And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.” (Qur’an; 2: 186)

Take note, Allah in the verse above says, ‘when my servant’, he does not say, ‘when the believer, the super pious, the prophet’ he says ‘I respond the invocation of the supplicant’, that means anyone. You, me, even the worst sinner on earth, Allah hears all our supplications and He will respond. He will respond.

#The Girl Child

After Hannah pledged to Allah that her child will be of His service, she eventually gave birth to a girl. She then said to Allah, and I quote from the Qur’an :

“But when she delivered her, she said, “My Lord, I have delivered a female.” And Allah was most knowing of what she delivered, and the male is not like the female…” (Qur’an; 3: 36)

Hannah goes ahead and shares her concern with her Lord, ‘she is a girl’. How will a girl be in service to a place of worship? How will a girl preach about the religion? The male is definitely not like the female. But Allah Subhanahu Wataala narrates to us, that HE KNEW that it was a girl. That was no accident. It wasn’t by mistake that she gave birth to a girl. Yet Allah knew that this same girl would be one of the greatest, most devoted person in His worship.

“And (mention) when the angels said, “O Mary, indeed Allah has chosen you and purified you and chosen you above the women of the worlds. O Mary, be devoutly obedient to your Lord and prostrate and bow with those who bow in prayer.” (Qur’an: 3:42-43)

You still think the girl child is under-valued and oppressed in Islam? Think again!

#Allah’s Rizq (Allah’s provision)

There is this common saying that goes like, ‘If human beings were responsible for our provision, then we’d definitely starve to death.’ Well luckily then, our Lord is the Giver and He is Most Merciful with His servants and we get to learn something through Maryam’s story.

“So her Lord accepted her with good acceptance and caused her to grow in a good manner and put her in the care of Zechariah. Every time Zechariah entered upon her in the prayer chamber, he found with her provision. He said, ‘O Mary, from where is this (coming) to you?’ She said, ‘It is from Allah. Indeed, Allah provides for whom He wills without account.” (Qur’an; 3:37)

Allah gives to whomever He wills. Some people get more than others, some get less than others and that is all part of Allah’s test and decree upon us. And when you have trust and faith in Allah, He always blesses you beyond what you expect.

“…And whoever fears Allah – He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he does not expect…” (Qur’an; 65: 2-3)

#Qadar of Allah (Decree of Allah)

“And mention, [O Muhammad], in the Book [the story of] Mary, when she withdrew from her family to a place toward the east. And she took, in seclusion from them, a screen. Then We sent to her Our Angel, and he represented himself to her as a well-proportioned man. She said, “Indeed, I seek refuge in the Most Merciful from you, [so leave me], if you should be fearing of Allah .” He said, “I am only the messenger of your Lord to give you [news of] a pure boy.” She said, “How can I have a boy while no man has touched me and I have not been unchaste?” He said, “Thus [it will be]; your Lord says, ‘It is easy for Me, and We will make him a sign to the people and a mercy from Us. And it is a matter [already] decreed.’ ” (Qur’an: 19: 16-21)

Indeed, it is a matter already decreed. A closed case. Imagine being in Maryam’s shoes; a woman known for her chastity and devoutness is suddenly pregnant. Imagine the despair, the agony and the great fear. This was a tragedy for her. Her chastity and purity was in question. Despite being so pious, Allah still put her through a huge test. That was Allah’s decree for her because He had better plans for her. He knew that she would give birth to a prophet who would speak at birth, do unconceivable miracles and call people to the religion of Allah. He knew that there was actually a greater good to come from it. So yes, Allah will always test us; whether we are the most pious or the biggest sinners. We will all feel the pinch of this worldly life, but it is not just for no reason. Allah knows why He gave you the struggle that you do. You might never realize it, but there’s always some good in it. Allah reminds us here why we are tested:

“Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried? But We have certainly tried those before them, and Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars.” (Qur’an; 29: 2-3)

Yet still he reminds us of His promise:

 “Verily, I have rewarded them this Day for their patience; they are indeed the ones that are successful” [Qur’an; 23:111] 

#Sorrow

We all face sorrow at some point in our lives. Some huger than others yet Allah does not burden us except that we can handle, so each is given as per their ability to persevere. So here was Maryam aleyha ssalam, pregnant yet unmarried. What does she do? She goes away to a remote place.

“So she conceived him, and she withdrew with him to a remote place. And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm tree. She said, “Oh, I wish I had died before this and was in oblivion, forgotten.” (Qur’an: 19: 22-23)

Here we come to the issue of mental health whereby we still somewhat regard it a taboo to talk about in our societies. Maryam aleyha ssalam was in so much pain and anguish, she wished for death. This brings one reality to light; however much we deny it, sometimes people do wish for death. Whether pious or not, it happens to the best among us. It doesn’t necessarily mean one has weak imaan (sometimes it is), sometimes, our human nature unintentionally takes over our faith and we fall into despair. Yet, grief and sadness is not something new. Prophet Ya’qoob aleyhi ssalam wept over the loss of his beloved Yusuf until he lost his eyesight. Prophet Muhammad was so saddened by the death of his wife Khadijah and his uncle Abu Talib that that year was called ‘the year of sorrow.’ And when his son Ibrahim died, ‘tears began to fall from the eyes of the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ). He said: The eye weeps and the heart grieves, but we say only what our Lord is pleased with, and we are grieved for you, Ibrahim.’ (As narrated by Anas Ibn Malik).

Indeed sadness is part of human nature, and does not necessarily make someone less pious for feeling sorrowful over what has befallen them. Yet still, we are always reminded to be patient and have faith in Allah’s decree.

Narrated Anas bin Malik:The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “None of you should wish for death because of a calamity befalling him; but if he has to wish for death, he should say: “O Allah! Keep me alive as long as life is better for me, and let me die if death is better for me.’ “

So whenever the pain of this life overpowers you, remember that we have a Most Merciful Lord over-watching you. Indeed, you have no better Protector. And when you are around a grieving person, be kind, empathic and compassionate. We all need support systems.

#Tawakkul (Reliance on Allah)

Despite being in great pain, angel Jibril asks Maryam to shake the palm tree so she can get the ripe dates.

“But he called her from below her, “Do not grieve; your Lord has provided beneath you a stream. And shake toward you the trunk of the palm tree; it will drop upon you ripe, fresh dates. So eat and drink and be contented…’” (Qur’an: 19: 24-26)

Remember at this point Maryam is in labour, how will she do that? Where will she get the strength from? But Allah still gave her ease in it.

“And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent.” (Quran; 65:3)

#Parting Note

The story of Maryam and her son, Eesa aleyhim ssalam and the lessons from within are many. The above mentioned are but the very few. With all that is going on right now, having Ramadhan during a pandemic, is a very sad situation, yet we can still make the best use of this time for self-reflection, more ibadah (worship) and seeking more knowledge. For more details on Maryam’s story, you may read surat Maryam, some parts of Surat Imran and other Surahs in the Qur’an.

May Allah protect us during these trying times, may He grant us peace and tranquility, may He bless us, may He accept us repentance and our good deeds. Ameen. Stay safe wherever you are and Ramadhan Mubarak!

***

MY OTHER HALF (PART 3)

Assalam aleykum warahmatu llah wabarakatuh :)

Had I known there would be a part 3, I would have written it last year in 2019, so that the gap between the letters are equal. The first was in 2015, then 2017, then now :/ The perfectionist me is a bit bothered by that. I also realized that I have the totally wrong title for this letter series. Should have been, 'to my other 3/4' because really, whom I'm kidding? I'm just a 1/4 human, so you gotta be 3/4 to complete me. You gotta be the bigger person. Huh, pun intended! :D

Okay, wait. Let's rewind a bit. CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC? It is crazy right?! I hope you are sane though? Hopefully coping okay with all that is happening? I am okay. Alhamdulilah :) I was very alarmed at first. It was too overwhelming seeing everyone panicking and the too much misinformation wasn't making it any easy. I am better now. It is the empathetic side of me that is struggling more. There are a lot of emotions being laid out and I absorb everything like a sponge. This in turn makes me anxious sometimes. Anxious because now, people are anxious. But this too shall pass, aye?! I am just trying to avoid social media at the moment and too much news. Really hoping things only get better from here. Ameen.

I really hope you're doing well though; catching dreams, flights and sunsets. I have grown since the last time I wrote to you; emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Physically? Not so much :D 2020 especially started way too rough, but wasn't it for everyone? Nonetheless, I'm still me. The same cry baby who wrote the first letter in 2015. I still watch murder documentaries and horror/thriller movies then ask one of my younger sisters to sleep with me because I'm too afraid. I still pace up and down for several minutes before taking a pill because pills give me anxiety of sorts. Sometimes I opt to take 4 tablespoons of baby liquid paracetamol than take the actual pills. I still go to my mum to comb my hair. I still cry when my friends forget about me or when someone raises their voice on me. I still cry in weddings, sometimes more than in funerals. Not the two tears of joy. I cry. Literally, sometimes until I get a flu. I am very weird. Very paradoxical. I am the most dumb/naive, smart person I know. I am also the strongest, most fragile person. Can you imagine I turned 26 today? I am literally a baby. Everyone knows that tears are my forte. My best friend Husna has said she'll ensure that in my nikah contract I write 'Don't be mean to me' and I want to add, 'or else I'll cry'. While my other best friend Amina is betting that I'll have no make up on my wedding not because I wouldn't have applied but because I'd have cried way too much, people would think it is a forced marriage. You get the picture? :D

But waiiiit!! About me being a literal baby, FLASH NEWS: I did not cry watching 'Miracle in cell no 7'. Can you believe that?!!! I've been telling it to everyone and anyone who bothers to listen. Saying it like it is a badge of bravery :D Someone said if you watched the 'Miracle...' movie and you didn't cry then you're an assassin. Well hallo, you're looking at one :D I also didn't cry when I read 'The Kite Runner' or even 'A Thousand Splendid Suns'. Quite the achievement I tell you. Howeveeerrr, few days after reading these, I had huge breakdowns over the smallest, most stupid reasons. I came to realize, sometimes, that I tend to postpone my crying till further notice; when I get a more sillier reason to cry. Like hit my toe on a door and cry for an hour about it. See? Paradoxical. I also realized my crying is like an art. I'm still trying to figure out my patterns :D

I'm still terrified of the idea of divorce which in turn makes me terrified of marriage in the first place. The marriages crumbling around us are barely any consolation. For a very anxious person like me, uncertainty is our poison. Yet nonetheless, it makes me dig deeper into myself and be more keen on my choices in this life. Not just about marriage but everything else. I know some people think I am waiting for a fairy tale but trust me, I am very very aware of how reality is. And fairy tale is so far from it. Mwanzo the way I was too invested in Umm Abdullah and Hasanat's seemingly perfect marriage, and what it turned out to be, mahn! I was too heart-broken I swear and even more sad for their reality *Insert too many tears*. Anyway, I guess such is life.

I have this colleague of mine who when he first read my first letter in 2015, was so excited because he had written something similar on his blog. He then narrated how his wife reacted when they got married and read the letters. She ransacked his entire blog, reading everrrything and asking about every girl that was mentioned on it :D They were a seemingly sweet couple. Five years down the line (after the conversation that is), they're divorced. My heart sank when I heard about it. They're both good people, but life happens. You can never know what will come your way tomorrow, a week from now or ten years later. It terrifies me how life is so temporary, unpredictable. You can NEVER claim that you have it figured out. Everyone is just stumbling through life and dealing with the snowballs rolling towards them. Throwback to when I was in high school and I'd see people in their mid-twenties, I'd marvel. I always thought 'they have it figured out.' The age where one has a job, is newly married and deeply in love, taking on adventures and life is just kicking off. I was so so wrong. I could never be more mistaken in my life. Adulthood is a scam. It is the heftiest slap on the face. Jokes on me :D Someone should have prepared me though! ( By the way, my colleague is happily remarried alhamdulilah. May Allah protect his marriage, bless it and make it long-lasting.ameen.)

So anyway, I met this lady, more than 10 years older than me. She is like the splitting image of me but personality wise. Very sensitive, very anxious, very compassionate, a very good writer, tiny like me...we even have similar health issues. Mind-blowing I tell you. It is almost like I met myself in the future. And you know, I see her seemingly happy in her marriage, with her grown children mashallah; they're so adorable I could cry...Here's the catch though; she is in a polygamous marriage!! When she told me about it I was like 'whaaaatttt!! Hooooowww!!' Cause I can't imagine myself in one honestly I'd die so please don't get ideas :D What's even harder, is that she is the first wife! Her response was simply, 'My husband is a good man' and my heart melted at how she said it. She did admit it was tough but they made it through. I am still A.M.A.Z.E.D. mashallah mashallah may Allah keep blessing their marriage. Ameen. It gives me hope though; that people like me can be happy after all despite all the noise in the head.

To be honest, I am not where I want to be spiritually. I struggle. A lot. Mostly because of the anxiety. It makes you seek control. You have this desperate need to be the captain of the ship and control the direction of the wind too. Which is impossible. I am still learning and unlearning so many things. I am accepting of how too flawed I am. I am accepting that I still have a lot to work on on myself. I had this classmate in university, whom I really look up to. He was always so laid back. So much so, you'd think he's entirely unbothered. But he wasn't. He just never allowed matters to get to his skin. Whether it was the pressure from the lecturers and university projects, whether it was people mocking him, whether it was things not going as planned. A project that I would stress about for an entire month, he would plan himself keenly and do it in one week. No, don't be mistaken. This wasn't just someone who was playing around. This was someone who knew exactly how much importance to give any matter because, well, he was always top in class and he was the only other person who got first class honors besides me in our lot.

When I ponder over how I dealt with my university studies versus how he did, it was the extreme opposite. I would get panic attacks or even cry right before an exam sometimes. Yet he would never let anything disturb his peace of mind. Throughout the years in the same class, I never ever heard him complain about his personal life. He would complain about the lecturers or the challenges (just the usual, small stuff) but never about his personal life. I doubt anyone in our class knew much about his life. After graduation, while the rest of us were worried and stressing over getting jobs, you know what he was up to? Walking around his neighbourhood, taking brilliant images and editing them. When anyone would ask him how he could afford to be so relaxed, he would say, 'I already sent my CVs. Now I can only wait.' He did eventually get a job, a good one mashallah and it was as if he always knew he'd get it.

During this quarantine period, my mate is busy making happy and silly videos, recreating images and making memes despite being far from his family. As an avid complainer and a highly sensitive person, I learnt a lot about choosing my battles just from observing him. I know for sure he too has problems of his own, but he always had that utmost belief and optimism in life. I always yearned for that kind of peace (May Allah keep blessing him and grant him tranquility always. ameen). I still yearn for that kind of peace. I think if I master the art of 'choosing battles' then i'll be way ahead in life. That is the goal.

I'm learning a lot just by observing people to be honest. That kind of education no one will ever teach you. There's always something to learn from every single human being, even if not a positive thing, you learn about a negative thing to avoid doing. So yes, I'm still feeding on human stories. They shape me greatly and have been a huge part of my growth. I'm also still studying alhamdulilah (yes, neeerddd! :D )

Imagine Ramadhan is just a few days away. I'm deeply sad about the world right now. It will be a very strange Ramadhan while people in lock-down. Imagine watching taraweh in empty Makkah and Madina :( I hope this pandemic ends soon wallahy. So many people are affected. So many people are struggling. So I'm praying that by eid all this will be over, at least people can have some part of ramadhan back in the masjid, may He help us all and protect us. Ameen. Try to make the best out of this Ramadhan as I strive to do as well biidhnillah. Also, you should try watch 'Qalby Etmaan' on youtube this Ramadhan cause Ghayth is absolutely my hero when it comes to charity and he inspires me too much *I am still crying*. Perhaps he'd inspire you too!

Do include me in your prayers please, 26 looks scary to be honest. But turning one year older, I am also very very grateful. For my amazing parents, for my dear family, for my very lovely friends, for the blessings from Allah. I never take these things for granted. And the more I grow up, the more I appreciate their presence and all the love. Alhamdulilah ala kul hal. Hoping you join the team soon enough ;) Ameen. About that, by the way, you are wasting such an opportune moment because with this quarantine, it is the best time to do a nikah. We'd just have gone to the kadhi and skipped all that chaos of the normal weddings :D But oh well, everything happens at its time I guess.

Just a disclaimer as we wind up, I sought the permission of the above people mentioned before writing about them, so don't you assume I'm a snitch :D

I am hoping there won't be a part 4 because I am getting too old and hopefully you'd be around before I ever have to. If I'm writing another letter then it should be to my husband :D In shaa Allah. Stay safe wherever you are.

Till we meet in shaa Allah :)

P.S I now realize this was too long. It's been three years anyway, we're compensating :D

Sending you Love and Light,

Lubnah with an 'H'.

WRITING ABOUT NOT WRITING

Writing can be so difficult sometimes. I speak for myself at least. Sometimes I stare at the screen for too long before deciding what to write. Sometimes I desperately text multiple friends to ask for ideas. Sometimes I fail to write entirely. Sometimes, I write about not writing so that I can have something to write about. Huh! See what I did there 😀 Point is, I’ve been struggling to write as frequently as I used to some years back. So here’s me attempting to DO SOMETHING.

My dear friend Umm Usaamah (thank you Najma!) gave me a book called, ‘If You Can Talk, You Can Write‘ By Joel Saltzman. The book was so refreshing because the author used a lot of humour. He gives these awesome tips on how to write, at any cost. I decided to share the tips from his book and hopefully, we can stop complaining about not writing and actually do it?!

1. DON’T UNDERESTIMATE YOURSELF: First of all, don’t say you know nothing interesting. Stop rejecting your thoughts and start writing them down. You might think, ‘Ah, I’m such a boring person with zero social life, what could I possibly write about that would be interesting?’ But trust me, there are people out there wondering how you spend your time and stay sane while alone. Or you could be a fisherman and you think, ‘Who wants to know about fishing and a fisherman’s life?’ But there is always someone who would be interested. 99% of all novels start with something autobiographical; people telling their own stories but changing names. So remember this, ‘if it interests me, it will interest others too!’ If you don’t work on your idea of a fisherman’s life, someone else will!

2. PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION: Here is the absolute truth, perfectionism leads to paralysis which eventually leads to procrastination. When you refuse to accept anything less than perfection, you’ve reduced your failure rate to zero percent. The problem is, you’ve done the same to your success rate. Tell yourself, ‘I don’t care if it makes any sense or not. Whatever is in my head, I’m going to write it down.’ Remember, it doesn’t have to be great at this instance. Your aim is to have something down!

3. WRITE LESS, SAY IT BETTER: Make it as simple as possible. You don’t have to use big words or complicated, impressive words to be a good writer. You need to ‘talk on paper’, like you would to a friend. The more you ‘talk’ on paper without stopping to judge or criticize yourself, the better chances you have of stumbling into gold. It is like when you’re trying to explain something during a conversation, you’re trying to find the right way of saying it. At first you may beat about the bush, say a lot of ‘urmmms’, but eventually, you get to your point. ‘Blah, blah, blah, blah…GOLD!’ Same with writing! ‘If the final product looks nice and easy, chances are, it took a lot of tinkering.’

4. MAKE ‘HAVING FUN’ BE YOUR MANTRA: Tell yourself, ‘I’m going to have some fun here. I’m going to play around and discover some really neat stuff.’ Writing is like a voyage of discovery. Make it an adventure. Pick a word, any word, see what you can write about it. See where it takes you. Remember to have fun!

5. WRITING IS REWRITING: A rotten first attempt is a great way to start. Even the best writers never get it right the first time. Take a break after writing then come back to re-check what you wrote. The longer you stay away, the more objectivity you will gain. Never be deceived by someone else’s polished draft. They too had to do some serious rewriting. A friend of mine told me of a brilliant writer who writes these MASTERPIECES, but the writer usually sits from 6 a.m. in the morning till 1 p.m. doing that one piece of around 600 words. This kind of dedication is what we all need! James A Michener said, “I have never thought of myself as a good writer. Anyone who wants reassurance of that should read one of my first drafts. But I’m one of the great rewriters.”

John Steinbeck said, ‘Never correct or rewrite until the whole thing is done. Rewrite in the process is usually found to be an excuse for not going on.’

6. NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN: Whatever idea you think of, high chances are, someone else already thought about it too. There is nothing new under the sun yet no one can tell a story YOUR way. Stop abandoning your writing at the first sign of trouble. Leave your problem aside for a while and the answer may just come to you. Remember, your story matters!

7. DO IT YOUR WAY: Find your voice. Write your story. Talk about what matters to you. Every author breathes a different life into the same idea. This is because, each one of us will tell it in our own unique way! What you can do-better than anyone-is write it your way, no matter what they say.

8. WRITERS BLOCK: Jerry Jenkins said that the writers’ block is brought about by four things: Fear, Procrastination, Perfectionism and Distractions. The way to deal with this is to WRITE in spite of the fear. Taking necessary action to write even you feel like it is the last thing you want to do. ‘The way to resume is to resume. It is the only way. To resume.’

9. CRITICISM: Criticism isn’t the hard part, it is how you react to it. Do not take it personally. Opinions will vary, whether it is glowing praise or complete damnation. Learn to shrug off either extreme because praise will stop you from growing , scorn will stop you from even trying. Be critical of what you write, not the person who wrote it. Remember, criticism is not an attack on YOU! Take it as a learning opportunity.

10. SECRET INGREDIENT: When you stick with writing long enough, the chaos turns into order. All you need is the patience to keep trying until you get it right. It is okay if you don’t know what you’re trying to say at first. It is the only way you’ll get to say, ‘Aha! Now I know what I’ve been trying to say all this time!’

A lot of discipline is needed too. Discipline is learning how to write when you don’t feel like writing.

11. PERSISTENCE: Katherine Anne Porter said, ‘Stick to it in spite of hell and other people. Patience and endurance.’ Sometimes you will lack inspiration but that doesn’t mean you just sit and wait for it to come like revelation. ‘You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.’ John Cage said, ‘I don’t try to be inspired, I just try to work very regularly.’ Point is, you have to force yourself to write! Make the time for it! The more you wirte, the more time you spend at it, the better chances for success.

12. JUST WRITE! Write about what you usually talk about. The ordinary conversations can really be extra-ordinary. Stupid ideas can actually turn out great! So write! Write about what you don’t know. Make interesting lists like ‘True things I could never make public’ then pick one such thing and actually dare to write about it. Write about what matters to you. Write about things you’ve researched. Just make sure you do write, at whatever cost!

Also, read! Because by reading others, we learn to write for ourselves.

‘Good writing is not about magical aptitude or God-given gifts; it’s about taking the talent you do have -great, average or less than average and working hard to make the most of it.’

Well, I did end up writing didn’t I? 😉

***

I highly recommend this book by Joel Saltzman, ‘If you can talk, you can write.’ The above is just a summary from what I learnt from the 190 pages. You definitely will learn more from the actual book. It is very helpful for all kind of writers.

Kindly subscribe below and share the post with your fellow writers 🙂 Thank you for your time 🙂

MOVING ABOUT IN THE CORONA ERA

It could never be me.

That’s what we think when we hear about the coronavirus right? At least for some people.

It could simply be our hopeful thinking or maybe, just our naivety onto how the universe really works. Evil and tragic events seem so far stretched. Of course no one wants to contract a deadly virus, we simply think ‘those things don’t happen to people like me’ until they actually do.

We very well know that as a country, we are NOT prepared at all to deal with the coronavirus. As a coping mechanism, Kenyans, being helpless most times, do what they do best; get to social media and rant on twitter, complain about the government and make memes like we always do during all kind of tragedies.

I can’t speak for the government or the Kenyans. But I can speak for my people, ‘the anxious society of Kenya’ (don’t google it, it doesn’t exactly exist). So, since the start of the virus, my mother has woken me up severally in my sleep, as early as 4 a.m. in the morning so that I can listen to an audio, a video or a WhatsApp message about the Corona virus. A few times, the messages had claims that the virus was already in our country but the patients are being treated discreetly (This was before the first case was reported). Struggling to keep my eyes open enough to read the blurry messages, my mother says with a finality, ‘Cancel all your meetings. All the events you were to go to. You can’t risk it.’ 

‘Ma…’ I start to object but she immediately interrupts me with how much we are underestimating this virus and how we think ‘it can never be us’. Her tone is really high for morning. You can hear the panic in her voice; alarming, and the utmost frustration in her voice because we still want to go to work despite the ‘danger’. I try to calm her down, recommending her to take a break from Whatsapp because it is, very evidently, hyping up her anxiety.

I am familiar with anxiety because I am my mother’s daughter. But whereas I am 98% anxiety, hers is double that. While I advise her on how to filter the information she receives on the virus, I am texting my friends who are travelling or about to travel, asking again and again if they think it is safe enough to travel at this time, whether they are taking the necessary precautions and if they said their prayers for protection.

Someone out there is walking to their airplane seat, while a panic attack surfaces because now, ‘I am not only scared of a turbulence, I am scared of breathing.’ Another is contemplating on how to humbly reject the hand shake from that very important client who has just flown in from Finland because, ‘Oh my God, do I even know in which continent Finland is? How can I be sure this handshake is indeed safe? Is this million dollar deal worth the handshake?’ Another is at the airport to pick their relative coming in from Middle East and the thought is, ‘Would they be offended if I refused to hug them?’ 

It is a crazy time to be alive let alone be moving around. 2020 came in with a huge wave, full of tragedies.

Well, it’s just March and we all want to know; who pissed off 2020 like this?!!

I mean, even pilgrimage to Makkah by Muslims has been paused for now. That is something that will definitely go down in the books of history because throughout my entire short life I never heard of Makkah rejecting pilgrims apart from the times the place was too crowded to accommodate everyone. As it is, masajids are being closed temporarily and Jum3ah prayers are cancelled. Makkah prayers are being led with very few ma’mumas. The thought that Ramadhan might arrive on us while still handling the virus is so heartbreaking 🙁 Imagine a Ramadhan with no taraweh or tahajjud prayers. Imagine having no spiritual gatherings and iftaar for the entire month!! Everything seems to be at a standstill. Olympics might be cancelled!! Several other sporting events have already been cancelled or postponed. The global economy is being greatly affected. Traveling is now an extreme sport, yet the very low ticket prices seem to be so tempting. The best yet riskiest time to travel, aye? Some people are actually doing it! Others are rejoicing in their PJ's as they work from home while students enjoy having classes being cancelled for about an entire month!

Nonetheless, as every day passes, we realize how real this pandemic is.

Yet, have you ever thought of how much rougher it is for the Asians right now, ALL OVER THE WORLD? They not only have to deal with the virus but also with the stigma and racism due to the origin of the virus. The dilemma is; how do we protect ourselves without seeming racist? Where do we draw the line between seeking protection and being out-rightly racist?! (Something to ponder on)

When the year began and everyone was frantic about it, one of my lecturers studying in China sent us a video to assure us that she was safe and far from the affected areas and that the main limitation was having to stay indoors and everything being done online at the moment. This could be very well a horror movie, only it is real life. Pretty much like ‘The Bird Box’ only this time, the mask is on our noses/mouths instead of eyes.  ‘If you touch it, you die.’

While the whole world is panic buying masks, toilet papers and sanitizers, we too as Kenyans have joined the bandwagon. But other than that, we are investing our time into our greatest talent; making memes!! Here are some memes sourced from: https://eaglenewskenya.com/

Best of all, is this video clip of the shortest horror movie! (Not made in Kenya)

The other day I was in a public vehicle and had a scratch in my throat. I had the urge to cough but I could visualize how heads would turn towards me if I did. And the horror that would strike them after that. To cut the long story, I did not cough. And now with us Kenyans, we don’t even know how we will survive. In some areas there is lack of water, the matatus are usually filled to the brim, many Kenyans live in slums or very close neighbourhoods. We can’t afford to work from home because majority of Kenyans are casual labourers and need to go to their work places. We have so many people who are vulnerable and at high risk of contracting the virus if it keeps spreading.

I imagine all the people living in the affected areas, having to live with only what they have. I imagine those in quarantine. Those who are separated from their loved ones during this phase; maybe forever. The people working in transport industries, airports, the bus/air crew, the really crowded areas like immigration offices. The people working in markets or using public transport or dealing with many people every day and most importantly, our doctors. In short, everyone. It could be us.

We pray that this tragedy ends soon and that we stay protected because for us Kenyans really, it is only God who can help us.

Parting Note: Pray. Pray for the whole world. That this epidemic ends soonest. That 2020 becomes a better year for all of us. Show love to all the doctors, nurses and medics working so hard to contain this virus and who continue to work everyday despite being at higher risk; pray for them too! Wash your hands. Protect yourselves. Don’t panic-buy; think of others. Watch the news from reliable sources. Don’t believe everything you hear until you confirm. Don’t forward messages until you confirm. Don’t be part of the panic perpetrators. Don’t be racist. Reach out to ensure your loved ones are safe. Be grateful for being alive. Avoid crowded areas, don’t be a hero. Stay safe people!

P.N 2: Duas for you because I honestly care:

THE GAME OF CARDS

The Matatu industry folks are the masters of the game of cards. They are smart. They are quick, very resilient and sometimes, even cunning. Now here’s the thing about them, they know for a fact that you need them. But they also know when to lure you into their game when need be.

You get to the matatu stage at 6 or 7 am in the morning, and the stage is already crowded with all manner of people. The matatus are scarce and with scarcity, comes one other thing, MONEY. At this time, the conductors won’t even look you in your eyes. The moment the matatu stops at the stage, they say what they need to say, without blinking their eyes. “Tao express, 100” and because the mwananchi is desperate to get to work early or else their salary will be sliced, they might as well just board the matatu as is. You will see some reluctant faces, some trying to whisper to the conductor, in a desperate attempt to get him to be more reasonable with the price. But this is not ‘the right talking’ moment. More times than not, the conductors are not interested in hearing your sad tone that early in the morning. So, they allow in who can afford it. The rest wait until the next humane conductor stops.

On other mornings, the matatus are so scarce, everyone is scrambling into the matatu like a tag of war. Some go further by jumping in through the window, and by the time everyone is settled down, we all need a minute to straighten our shirts and skirts and take a breath. I know, the struggle is real!

At this point, the matatu folks know very well what they are doing. There are totally no compromises, no humanity at this point. On other mornings, they will listen to your desperate bargain, ask you to board and when the time to pay your fare comes, they tell you, ‘Don’t you know it is rush hour?!’ My friend, if you had given the conductor more than the fare you bargained, best believe you will not get the change you expected or not get any change entirely. And because this money was budgeted, you try to reason with him, ‘Tuliongea’ or ‘Lakini ulikubali’ but your attempt will not be fruitful. So you attempt using your aggressive, firm tone but you know what? That doesn’t scare them either. In the end, you get tired and keep quiet or they ask you to alight before your actual destination. But do you know which the most annoying scenario is? You talk to the conductor and agree on the fare. You board the matatu, and next two stages ahead, the conductor you talked to alights. He wasn’t even the one in charge and now the next one who comes in doesn’t have time to listen to your blame story.

Darwin’s theory of ‘survival is for the fittest’ makes sense in so many ways. Like in this case, we are all desperate Kenyans, barely making ends meet. The economy is rough on everyone. But who suffers the most? The middle and lower class of the society. Barely anyone wants to be the next Mother Theresa or Mahatma Gandhi. We are all hungry. We are all hustlers. So it really isn’t ‘their’ fault to spike the fare prices in an unreasonable manner when they are just trying to survive too right? At least that’s how some think.

I mean, how many times have you boarded a matatu during morning or evening rush, or during the rain season or holiday season or a matatu strike, and you are told 100 bob every stage. EVERY. SINGLE. STAGE. That means it doesn’t matter if my stage is fifteen minutes away or one hour away, we are all paying the same.

The ones who get it the roughest are the visitors from other parts of the country or abroad especially during the holiday season. Funny thing, it is always very easy to spot a visitor because oblivion and confusion is always on their faces. They will constantly remind the conductor to drop them at their stage, keenly staring at the road ahead. Or the instances where we have teachers’ conferences here in Mombasa and suddenly the prices are doubled for every person, whether a local or a visitor. It is as though the teachers are coming with some funds to share with the community over here. I mean, what’s even the explanation for such manipulation?

Now flip the coin, to during the non-rush hours like between 10:00 a.m. to 3 p.m., you will see totally different people. Same faces, just different behaviour. As soon as they see you coming towards the stage, the conductor will come for you. Sometimes, the driver even reverses his car to where you are. In another second, there are three or four other conductors, all trying to convince you into their matatu. One will try holding your hand, another will tell you their matatu is about to leave; only two people remaining before it fills up (by two they actually mean five or seven people), another will offer you a way lower fare price. If you came to the stage with a bodaboda, they will rush to pay off the bodaboda guy so you are left with no choice but board their matatu. They will plead with you. They will remind you that ‘you are our daily customer’. Another will tell you the driver is calling you or your friend is in their matatu. They will fight for you. If you have low self-esteem, they could actually make you feel that you matter. And yes, you definitely do because their survival game is affected by your coins. Yet, they could crash that same self-esteem they built moments ago by selling you off to another conductor for only 20 bob 😀

Their faces turn from 0 to 100 real quick. They know how to navigate around the police system. They know when to be aggressive. When to be swift. When to be stern. When to be greedy; overloading the matatu with passengers until people are suffocating. When to be friendly. When to be kind. When to be empathetic. Of course this is not how it is with all of them. Some are more understanding of the struggle fellow Kenyans are in too and some are friendly and reasonable regardless of the time. However, most times than not, they are just playing their cards.

Funny thing is, most Kenyans with white collar jobs perceive the matatu industry to be of a lower grade; for the illiterate, poor, uncivilized people. However, the money that matatu drivers and conductors make is way more than what an average Kenyan earns in a white collar job. How they use the money is a different story but we’ve had students educate themselves throughout college using the money earned being a matatu conductor/driver.

So next time you want to pity them or underestimate them, think twice. You are probably being played more than you realize it.

THE MISADVENTURES OF AN OUT AND ABOUT MUSLIM

This article (edited version) was first published on ‘Travel Log Magazine’ an insert of Standard Newspaper on 5/3/2020

With Muslims, everything works in a very organized, systematic way. There is a manual for everything; how to do it, when to do it, where to do it. Very detailed and straight forward. Now the struggle comes when you are out and about and applying your way of life sometimes seems like an impossible task.

There are common struggles every Muslim explorer (even just hanging out in your own locality) will relate to, whether they are from across the globe from us or just your next door neighbour. Here are a few:

1.     The empty-bottle carriers: One of the biggest struggles Muslims face while traveling, is having to walk around with an empty bottle because there is no water in the toilets. Thus, one of the essentials during packing is that empty bottle that you’ll use to fill in water at the toilet sinks, sometimes back and forth, to use for clean-up after the call of nature. It is quite amusing though. Don’t these hotels (and sometimes airports) know that Muslims are quite a majority as well? How then have they never thought of making it a better experience for Muslims?

Side note: Empty bottles because airports don’t allow passengers to have full water bottles. Otherwise, we travel with our small filled up bottles quite often.

2.     A little yoga: It is time for prayers so you go take ablution. In your mind though, you know too, it’s time for a little yoga. There is no proper area to take ablution except the sink and thus when it is time to clean your feet, you have to raise them up into the sink to wash them. This is in between staring at the door hoping that no worker will walk in and see you in what seems to be quite an uncivilized manner, at the same time hoping you do not hurt your hip while your leg being that high up. The struggle is real.

3.     Prayer room you ask? What’s that? : Ironically, even in Mombasa where we have majority Muslims, many hotels never think of providing this. Now Muslims mostly have to arrange their picnic times post prayers or in between prayer times because ‘we won’t get a private room or a clean place to pray.’ The only other options are: Either we go for the picnic and not pray the entire day or not go for the picnic altogether. Such a shame!

4.     Sometimes you get the advantage of having booked your own room and can pray in it. But because you can only afford a cheap hotel, the only space you have to pray is on top of your bed. Yes. There is not even enough space to place your small prayer mat on the floor. So you climb on your bed and now start thinking of which is the ‘qiblah’ (the direction Muslims face during prayers). You have no internet bundles to check a compass so you run about the place asking for any Muslim who can show you the qiblah or ask anyone who knows where North is (because North is the direction we face). You remind yourself to download the ‘Muslim-Pro’ app during your next adventure. Or perhaps should we call them misadventures?

Side note: Muslim Pro is an app that alerts the Muslim on prayer time, shows them the qiblah amongst other things.

5.     You crave meat. But can you afford to crave it? : You are at the restaurant. It’s a whole new environment for you. You don’t know the cultures of these people, so you ask, “Is this meat halaal?” The first waiter doesn’t know so they call another waiter. “Is this meat halaal?” You ask again, but no one seems to be sure. Or perhaps they don’t really understand what halaal is and why you want halaal meat so badly. After several attempts of trying to find out, you decide to order another meal altogether. So much for craving meat huh?!

Side note: Halaal means permissible according to Islamic law. Some meat is forbidden such as pork or birds of prey with claws. There is also laws on how the slaughtering should be done and what kind of animals to avoid entirely.

To be fair, we do have some locations that are religious-friendly and they try to make the experience as wholesome as possible. Meanwhile, we are enjoying our misadventures amidst our great explorations. When we finally get our perfect destinations, it’s over for you guys haha!

THE LANGUAGE OF COMPASSION DURING CONFLICT

I think, most people really underestimate the power of words and language in our daily lives and how it eventually, influences the path we tread on. We have quite often disregarded the weight of our words at the heat of the moment and hope that our ‘sorry’ will suffice at the end of the day. But what if, just what if, we decided to be more careful with what and how we speak in the first place?

During my studying, I came across various texts concerning love, marriage, conflict and divorce that I found to be mind-blowing, making you go all ‘aha, aha…’

How can we still show love and compassion towards our partners during conflict?

I am sharing this with the hope it will be enlightening and hopefully help someone/some people communicate better…Here we go!

Doctor Gottman, an American psychological researcher and clinician who did extensive work over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability, founded ‘The Love Lab’ . He is known for his 90% accuracy in predicting divorce and has provided us with four primary predictors of divorce called ‘ Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse‘. These four are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.  

Criticism: When someone criticizes their partner, it implies that something is wrong with them or that you are attacking their character. In this case, one is focused on winning the argument or to prove the partner wrong. For example, when you say, ‘You never do this…’, ‘Why are you like this…’, ‘You’re always….’ This in return makes the spouse feel attacked and elicit a defensive response. The right way is to make a complaint of your spouses’ behaviour and not attack their personality. For example, when X happened, I felt Y, and I need Z.

Contempt: This is the worst predictor of divorce. Contempt is any statement of nonverbal behavior that puts you on a higher ground than your partner. This could be mocking your partner, calling him/her names, hostile humor, hurtful sarcasm etc. It attacks your spouse’s sense of self. It is also intended to put down or emotionally abuse or manipulate him or her. Instead, the couple should build a culture of respect, appreciation, tolerance and kindness in the relationship.

Defensiveness: This is an attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a counter complaint. Another way is to act like a victim or whine. This can look like making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way). Saying things like “It’s not my fault,” “I didn’t …” It can also be cross-complaining, such as meeting your partner’s complaint or criticism with a complaint of your own or ignoring what your partner said. Couples are expected to take a moment, slow down and listen attentively to what their partner is saying without interrupting them. The point is: have a conscious communication where you are both trying to understand what the other is saying and choosing the right way to respond.

Stonewalling: The silent treatment. Storming out. Shutting down. Changing the subject. Complete withdrawal from communication. All these are acts of stonewalling. It is a strategy we use to avoid conflict. This might be an, albeit unsuccessful, attempt to calm oneself when overwhelmed. However, a better way to deal with such situations, is to learn to identify the signs that you or your partner is starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed. It’s a good idea to verbalize that you feel overwhelmed. You can both agree to take a break and that the conversation will resume when you are both calmer.

Now apart from these predictors of divorce or separation, there are some patterns or behaviour that sometimes cause further conflict without being fully aware of it.

We are all wired differently right? Different backgrounds, different personalities, different cultures, races, behaviours etc. As such, it is quite normal that we experience life and all our emotions differently. It will be quite illogical to think that our way of thinking or living is the ONLY right way to do it. This will just cause conflict and misunderstandings. As such, couples are advised to take time and understand one another, their love language and work towards compromise rather than conflict.

Below I am going to mention some main differences that could be there among couples and how they can reach middle ground and understanding.

1. Independence 1st vs Togetherness 1st

There are some people who are more comfortable and more relaxed working alone or being alone rather than interacting with other people. One spouse could be more family oriented than the other. Perhaps one involves their parents/siblings in their lives while others prefer dealing with their issues by themselves as a couple.

Someone who values independence first might get irritated or frustrated when they do not get enough alone time. Or when a conflict arises, they NEED personal space. Here it is not a matter of wanting anymore, it is a NEED and that means, if they don’t get their personal space ASAP, it will make them more anxious and stressed.

Togetherness first, needs more interaction with others and may become anxious when the partner is not readily available. They always seek comfort. They NEED to know that everything is okay. They need that emotional contact to relax, and the lack of it might cause further anxiousness.

Now when conflict arises, these two people may get upset when their coping mechanism is not met by their partner.

Independence-First talking to Togetherness-first: “You are too needy! I can’t read your mind just tell me what you want!” Start to feel burdened by the relationship. “my partner is just asking for too much” “You are selfish for always wanting attention”

Togetherness-First talking to Independence-first: ○ “You just run off when we have to talk about something important!” ○ “This doesn’t feel like a relationship, we are not a team!” ○ “You are selfish for only caring about yourself!”

2. Slow to Upset vs. Readily Upset

Slow to upset people get anxious when there is conflict. They would rather remain silent to avoid further escalation of conflict. They stay calm in order to control the situation. They feel better diffusing their upset feelings.

Readily upset need to speak up right away when something isn’t right. They feel that conflict and arguments are normal and for them, speaking up about their upset feelings helps them calm down.

Slow to upset talking to readily-upset: “You throw temper tantrums anytime you don’t get something your way” “Nothing is ever good enough for you, you are just always negative”

Readily Upset talking to slow-upset: “You just cover up your true feelings just to avoid conflict” “You just want to pretend like everything is okay”

3. Problem Solving 1st vs. Understanding 1st

Problem solving first people seek to deal with the situation by finding an appropriate plan for it. They don’t seek sympathy or validation from the partner. They don’t see the point in discussing feelings over what happened. They think, ‘Something wrong has happened, what do we do next?’

Understanding first, feel instantly better when they get a little understanding from their partner. They feel soothed when they get a little support and compassion. For such people, acknowledging their emotions or the intentions underlying their actions is important. What Type of understanding are understanding first people looking for? It’s a matter of timing, its not that they don’t want a solution, its just they feel understanding comes first then looking for a solution.

Problem-Solving talking to Understanding-first: “You just want to complain but never do anything to make things better” “You just want to be upset! Maybe you just like feeling miserable”

Understanding-First to Problem-solving first : “You don’t care how I feel, you just want to pretend like nothing happened. “You just want to sweep your feelings under the rug.

What then can couples do to ensure more understanding?

1. Write down which core difference you are and which your partner is

2. Think of a specific time where this caused a conflict between you and your spouse.

3. Accept the idea that both of you have legitimate ways of relaxing

4. Stretch your own comfort levels a bit so you’re able to give and take in a way where each of you gets your needs at least partially met. Write down what you can say and do to find compromise.

No one can say one way of navigating through life is better or more correct than the other. We are all different and the important thing is to understand the other person’s view and stand. You can’t always expect your spouse to cross over to your sideline. Sometimes, according to the situation, you give them the space they need and sometimes, they give you the attention you need. They say love isn’t always what makes marriages stronger…it is the understanding, compromises, compassion, mercy and forgiveness. Take the time to learn how your partner functions and copes during conflict. Be kind. Be understanding. Be compassionate. There has never been a short-cut to a successful marriage, has there?

Despite this being mostly about couples and marriage, I believe this information is useful for any other kind of relationship or interaction as well!

***

REFERENCES:

Notes by Dr Usman Mughni, MS, LMFTA, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.

https://www.verywellmind.com/four-scientific-predictors-of-divorce-4045691

https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-warning-signs-marriage-therapists-use-to-predict-divorce/