STOP FEELING LONELY AND START BEING ALONE

Photo Courtesy: https://afremov.com/

Loneliness usually creeps in at the most unexpected times like the surprise visitor who knocks at your door just as you switch off your lights to sleep. It could have a knock-knock on your little heart at the moment you are in the middle of a crowd as people cling their glasses with cheer and laughter or when you are in the arms of your spouse or even when you are eating with your friends as they tell jokes and crack up. You feel so far yet so near. You feel disconnected from the people around you. Sometimes it could be due to sudden changes in the closest people to us; how you and your spouse no longer share your deepest secrets, how your friends no longer remember your birthday, how your loved ones no longer have time to watch a movie with you or it could be simply due to the life transitions such as leaving for college, losing a partner to death or divorce, starting a new job, retiring and losing the daily company of colleagues and associates, or moving to a new town or country. Loneliness is the isolation that comes with nursing a feeling unreturned — an expectation unmet. It is the perpetual state of seeking that which you so crave, that which you so need. It is the putting of your key to happiness in someone else' pocket.

The longer our loneliness lasts, that more challenging it can be to break the mindsets and judgments (both ours and others’) that contribute to maintaining our isolation. 

When you are lonely, you tend to assume people aren’t interested in your company and that if you reach out to them they will reject you and turn you down. As a result you take little initiative and find excuses to turn down invitations when you do get them. Your negativity and reluctance to give your friends the benefit of the doubt creates a self-fulfilling prophecy in which your own reactions and avoidance pushes them away even further. Because you remain blind to your part in creating the distance, you see their withdrawal as confirmation of your fears and become even more convinced they no longer care about you.

On the other hand, being alone is quite the opposite. Loneliness and aloneness stand as the two pillars to the one, emotional pendulum. Loneliness for some, may be a chronic condition where your own company is never enough; where spending time with yourself may produce anxiety and sometimes worse symptoms such as panic attacks and depression. For many, the perceived solution to keep this fear away is to make sure that you are always in the company of another. Being alone is being totally okay when you are by yourself. Being happy watching a movie alone, walking at the beach shore as you enjoy the sunset, treating yourself to ice cream because you simply deserve it. You are alone, not because no one wants you in their life but because you simply love yourself and you are alone by choice. You are emotionally independent and you don't mind if your best friend doesn't text you for some days or even weeks. You can’t allow yourselves to be defined by the people you surround yourself with. You can’t allow yourself to be defined by your relationship status or your weekend plans or the screaming silence of your mobile phone.

Although alone and lonely are often thought of as being one in the same, alone doesn’t equal loneliness. Learning to be alone may be initially scary but once mastered serves as the cornerstone for your development and growth as a human being. There’s so much to be gained from learning to rely, and more importantly, to trust your own inner voice as the best source for your own guidance.

Loneliness may have deep effects and be the part-cause of mental disorders such as depression, social anxiety, addiction and hoarding. Therefore, addressing your loneliness could be the key to unleashing your healthy mind. And as much as someone may argue that all of us do feel lonely every once in a while, you just shouldn't let it overwhelm you such that you become a victim of the above mentioned disorders.

Sometimes the best cure to loneliness is, in fact, to be alone. You may want to take baby steps first in stopping feeling lonely and starting to being alone such as going to a road trip by yourself, a swim, a movie or even simply a treat. Then gradually take greater steps like making your own life decisions, being independent, managing your own finances and taking full and complete control of your life.

Just know that, whichever you happen to be or feel at this exact moment, the power to maintain or change it will always be in your own hands — not in theirs, or in anyone else’s. Start making the necessary changes in your life and make yourself the best company for YOU.

REFERENCES:

psychologytoday.com

http://thoughtcatalog.com/

LIFE IN THE STREETS

When I first started my work in Gladshouse (an NGO dealing with the homeless) in 2014 and saw the pathetic state of street life, I thought I wouldn't make it to the end. Surprisingly, I was happier than usual and I gained weight. My mum always kept asking, 'what are they feeding you there that's made you gain? I think I should let you stay there always.' Well I wasn't surprised by her surprise. Everyone who knows me well, knows that I only gain weight when I am very much relaxed; something I'm not really good at. And ironically, out of all the places I've been, this depressing place made me happy. One of the first things I was asked when I joined the team was, 'Ain't you scared?' Yes I was. My colleagues had already told me of the risks available; they lie. They steal sometimes. They can be flirty when high on glue and sometimes even without the glue. Nonetheless, they respect you when you respect them. Treat them like normal human beings, come down to their level and act like their mate to understand them.

Perhaps it is true when they say, for you to find happiness; you should first offer it to someone else. I didn't have any specific post for I was a teacher, a social worker, a journalist and a marketer all at the same time. I wasn't particularly a hero or anything, yet I worked with the real heroes who worked day and night to ensure the homeless are not forgotten. Volunteers from all over the work coming over just to make a difference in someone's life. It was more of an exposure and adventure to me; something I had never seen in my life. Something worth seeing, experiencing and telling the world about.</p>

Just the other day, one of my many bosses bumped into me as I headed to work and he offered me a lift as he too was heading there. We stopped in a store and my boss alighted. Just a few minutes after, one of the homeless boys I knew came and knocked on my window pane. I hesitated; I didn't know how my boss would react when he sees me talking to him so I decided to step out of the car.

"Do you remember me?" I asked almost in a whisper but he didn't reply. He was high on glue I noticed so I didn't bother ask my question again. I remembered his name; they call him Mowgli, a very thin guy almost always walking with a stagger. He had escaped from the center several times as he went through rehabilitation and he was among the oldest survivors in the streets. He wasn't really old in age, just old in the streets. I never knew his real name though. You never get to know because they keep changing their names as much as they change their stories of survival. I also never knew why they call him Mowgli, perhaps he was like the Mowgli we know of from the jungle book or he just liked the story? I never knew. Anyway my boss appeared shortly after that and quickly asked, 'is everything okay?' Mowgli went away...and my boss wanted to know more of his story. Several times in different times, I met several others on the streets in town. They come to beg for money and I realize they don't remember me. They perhaps meet so many volunteers and perhaps we never really impacted their lives as we thought we did or perhaps they are just too busy surviving. (Call them survivors. They prefer that name).You can't really blame them. But I never forgot them and I remember a few names still. I remember them for they impacted my life more than I did to theirs. And most of all, I really miss that place.

When you walk around town and meet those small children running about to beg for money, most of them are not homeless. For someone who has experience with street life you can almost identify and pinpoint exactly who is a beggar and who is homeless. Most people don't understand that; Not all beggars are street children and not all street children are beggars. Most of the children begging in town have homes and sometimes, healthy parents who have just decided that the shortcut to survival is using the kids. So they come all the way from their homes and spread across town. The children are sometimes threatened to bring a certain amount of money, if not, they face the consequences. They never want to admit how they are forced of course but when persuaded they speak out. It can be so depressing listening to them. They will tell you that their mum is on the other street and their other siblings in other parts of the town. True that most are from very poor families and some have single parents, yet it doesn't justify the use of blackmailing children to gain money. And these kids are really experts in convincing. When it is on a Friday they will tell you, 'Leo ijumaa nisaidie nikale' or how they would tell you of not having fare going back home and they can be so persistent in begging for the money. Wonder what the consequence is when they don't meet the required amount. Perhaps no food tonight? Or being beaten? Or what other kind of punishment? I remember what one of my lecturers told me when we were approached by a boy who was begging. "Never entertain the habit of beggars. Perhaps if we all stop giving them whenever, then they will be forced to work like the rest of the world." Of course there are those very genuine beggars who really deserve to be helped but not the ones who use their children as a source of money. For a while now, I detest walking in town, seeing all those children rushing to cars and people and insisting on getting something. I detest seeing them being used like that yet I am helpless so I just close my heart; (if there is anything like that), close my eyes and my ears. Walk as fast as I can as I still debate what exactly is the right thing to do; give them the money they are blackmailed for, or simply not entertain the bad habit of begging?

The homeless people on the other hand lead quite a different life. Some are beggars yes but when you go to the slum area where they live, you would see most of them hustling in one way or another. Some collecting garbage, some collecting bottles, some are conductors and many other of these petty jobs. You won't believe this, but one fellow in the street even has a video room where they play movies and he charges his fellows for entrance. Some wear so neatly that you may never guess that they are homeless. The ladies are most of the times prostitutes and some give birth right in the street. I remember one of the very young girls in the street told me that the past three generations have lived in the streets; her grandmother, her mother and now her and her many siblings. Many girls are raped and used by men at very young age. It is so heart breaking when they tell you their journeys. Well some are very well-fabricated stories that can make you break down in tears. Damn they can lie! They know how to make you so empathetic and make you want to offer your entire life for their sake. But for the social workers they've known for years, they are able to play with their psychology and know their true stories. Some are so addicted to street life that they can no longer stay out of it. They are taken to centers for rehabilitation but end up running back to the street; they can't live without the glue and many other of the practices only allowed in the street.

Years on after leaving the organization, I learnt that their 'leader' who used to take control of everything going on in their slum area (the place is called Maboxini because of the houses made of boxes I suppose) used to sodomize the young boys. I was shocked, perplexed, surprised, disgusted all at once. The same man whom we had trusted to take us around the slum area safely; the man everyone outside and inside the slum area had faith in. The same man who was considered the hero of slum land. The same man who was the hope of the children turned out to be a beast. I got to hear more of such heart breaking stories in the streets. Very small girls being made wives to big boys and of families separated by fate. Stories of boys and girls who couldn't stay in foster care due to drug addiction. Stories of stigma and isolation by the society etc etc. There is a wall right at the end of the slum land; a huge wall separating them from a totally different world. On the other side is a playground where private school children come to play. And sometimes, standing on slum land, you could see the swings moving high up and down rhythmically. I used to wonder how it really feels for the street children who used to sit right on top of the trees and seeing all that; what are their thoughts in such moments? Perhaps, 'this could be me?' or 'maybe some day this would be me in a private school, neat uniform and a huge smile as I swing and play?' Sigh. But perhaps what made me relaxed with them was how happy they were despite their very sad state of living; how they play football of no rules. The games are quite funny, how the ball keeps going over the fence because some are high on glue and kick the ball with so much vigour and how the games are played with all age ranges and genders. How they would eat so excitedly and ask questions as they are taught the basics of education. How they would be concerned about their homeless mates who are locked up in cell. How they really really appreciate the food in their plates. How they never hesitated to show their gratitude to the volunteers who have dedicated their lives to help them. There were some good stories as well; like how one of the oldest boys in the street got to meet his mum after 20 years of separation, stories of street children going through rehabilitation and joining school again, stories of children being taken in foster homes and living well, stories of street world cup, stories of survival and hope. How they find joy and happiness in the smallest of things. By the time you leave that place, you know the real meaning of hope, struggle and perseverance. I remember talking to one dumb boy who was in the street world cup team. I interviewed him right before they left to Brazil. Can you believe it? Some people out there make it possible for street children all over the world to meet on a football tournament! and in Brazil!! You can imagine their excitement. So my interview with him was on written paper and in English because they are only taught in English in the special care schools. It was one of the cutest interviews I ever did I my life!

I made the above clip right before the world cup team left to Brazil for I was completing my attachment too. I remember how the CEO broke down in tears after seeing it. Amazing right? Amazing and amusing how someone who has dedicated her entire life to street children still cries for them. When I showed the clip to the boys, they were really excited about it. Well, majority don't understand English so they didn't really get what the clip was about but they kept laughing at their photos and shouting out the names of their colleagues. It made me overjoyed.

Working here, I saw humanity being restored. I saw love being painted on a dirty patch of white paper. I saw rainbows of hope and flowers of faith in a place where a seedling would never bloom. I learnt to appreciate life and most importantly, that no one should never under estimate what you can do for people less advantaged than us. Take part in restoring humanity today. Make a difference.

Still, I miss these beautiful souls.

#The best way to find yourself is in the service of others. -Mahatma Gandhi

If you liked this article then you might also like: "The tender forgotten side of the assumed devils" and 'a ray of hope' right here in my site. Don't hesitate to 'search' for it.

BE HAPPY PLEASE

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The situation of our current world is just pathetic; wars, bloodshed, diseases, brutality, criminality, you name it. The list could go on forever. You look at Palestine and you feel the pinch but then you look at your own country and you find misery too, just of a different kind. If the pain, agony and sadness around the world could be painted then perhaps we would have a totally black painting with just one dot in white to represent humanity, happiness and joy. Every continent, every country, every city and every person is fighting a battle of their own. Sometimes we get too empathetic over what others are going through that we forget our own pain, our own struggles. How many times have you had a full plate of very palatable food yet your appetite betrays you with the thought, 'children in Syria are dying with hunger, I don't deserve this food. I don't deserve this privilege' and you just don't feel like eating anymore. You look at Yemen and see another disastrous view. You look at Iraq, Nigeria, our own Kenya and you are just too helpless. Too much corruption, too much cruelty by our own leaders, too much poverty, hunger and gloom. You really really REALLY wish you could help but you just have no way. You want to go out and have fun but you see the children spread out all over the town begging and you feel, 'how selfish am I to be happy when others are too sad, in too much anguish?' Then it goes down to a personal level. You see that very lovely friend of yours fighting with cancer and just when you are about to do something for yourself, that punch of guilt comes in. And even when you decide to forget the entire world, you find the same grief in your own soul. Then comes the question, why is life just too distressful? 

For a long while I was a victim of my own empathy but then I came to realize that truly, God never gives you pain unless that which you can handle. No, don't say that is just a saying. This, is really true. I see my own siblings living in Yemen and they tell us of the scary nights where they can hear bombs nearby, where they can see the great infernos, the gunshots. They literally count the bombs being drop and their texts could go like, 'they just threw the first...second...third...fourth...please pray for us...' then they go offline. You are just left with frozen blood and you just can't sleep till the morning to hear from them that they are okay. But they are still living!! They cook good food when they can, go to the village, shop, laugh, make jokes and despite everything else, they are grateful to be alive. They cry when they have to but they also enjoy life whenever they can. We see the examples of the Palestinians and we just admire their bravery and how strong they are; living in half houses for the other half is already down yet they are grateful for each morning. And their smiles could make you tear up. It makes you wonder, 'how do they afford to smile with the kind of life they are living?' They give me hope and faith. They make me appreciate life more. But their firm faith and patience is because God has already said it that He will never over burden any of His servants. Don't you trust God?

It's good to be humane, to be empathetic but don't let it take over your own life. Don't make it neglect your own soul which needs so much care as well. Whatever problem you are going through, do know it will not last and most importantly, have faith that God will not let your grief last forever. This is your test so be patient please. Give your heart the attention you offer other people. Love yourself and have fun whenever you can. Cry when you feel like it but also don't forget to smile and laugh. There is so much in life to look up to and anticipate. There might be too much suffering all over the world but there are also so many people who are doing great things. There are so many doctors who dedicated their lives to saving lives in war-torn areas, there are so many humanitarians helping different people, there are so many comedians dedicating their lives to make people like you smile. There are so many writers, poets, artists, photographers trying to create hope by their art. There are so many people creating a difference in other lives. Yes, even in this cruel world, there is still so much to be happy for. So never hesitate to be happy. Be happy always. Smile like you just won a lottery. Help other people like you have no problem of your own. Treat yourself to ice cream or pizza or whatever it is that you like. It doesn't have to be your birthday or any celebration and if anyone asks you 'what is the treat about?' Do reply, 'I am celebrating myself.' I know circumstances sometimes don't really allow you to treat yourself but you can do anything else that makes you happy; take a walk on the beach shore, paint, go for a boat ride, Swing, dance, anything! Create your own bucket list; your own personal wishes that only involve YOU and how to make YOU happy. Create it like you have just a few days in this life and live it up. Empty that bucket list. As for the rest of the world, don't worry excessively about them. God has never forgotten His servants right? So remember them in your prayers always. Pray that God eases their battles...and yours too.

Don't let the pain engulf you. Be patient. Appreciate life. Pray sincerely. Help others. Have Faith. Be hopeful. But most importantly, Be Happy Please :)

Photo Courtesy: http://exploringpsyche.com/

MOMBASA; HOME SWEET HOME

Photos Courtesy: lifeinmombasa.com, http://blog.jovago.com/, http://www.travelstart.co.ke/

There is a reason why people from all over the world keep saying, 'Mombasa Raha'. Of course the statement is not over-rated, if anything, Mombasa can be the best place to take a break. And by Mombasa I am referring to the larger Mombasa of the old times that extends to Lamu, Malindi and Mambrui on the North and to Likoni on the South. We just have too many blessings to ignore. Here is why:

1. Mombasa has the most hospitable people: Oh yes! This is the place where you need direction and the person drops everything they have in hand to escort you to your destination. This is the place where people can welcome a total stranger who needs a bed into their homes. We have seen since ages ago, our grandparents allowing exchange students and tourists to live amongst us and within our premises and most of the times free of charge. Well maybe security issues have disadvantaged this tradition to go on as before but still, in some places in the Coast it still happens. This is the place you can comfortably talk to a stranger in a public vehicle and chat like you've known them forever. This is the place you greet anyone and they reply even when you don't know each other. I mean, go to Nairobi and try saying hi to someone on the street and see how they will freak out like you are the psychopath who has been stalking them in forever. Especially if you have a beard! man you are doomed :D But we've been doing it here in forever. We have neighbours living close together as one family and sharing both the good and bad moments together. Well this may have changed with time but it still happens in some places especially during the month of Ramadhan where neighbours, friends and relatives take plates of food to one another which is commonly known as bembe and sometimes even eat together. The place just becomes too comforting and the unity makes your heart bloom with joy.

We also have people assisting you with fare in a public vehicle when you have lost your own. People defending you when you are being mistreated or taken for granted. I remember an incident where two young high school boys were boarding a matatu but unfortunately, the driver took off just after one had boarded; leaving the other one behind. So the one who had boarded told the conductor he needs to alight because he cant go without his mate. The young boy really looked confused and agitated. It seemed like he was going to boarding school which may be far and perhaps had his own reasons why he wanted his mate to be with him. But the stubborn conductor wouldn't let him alight with the saying, 'si atakufata nyuma tu'. The boy kept insisting as he helplessly stood near the vehicle door. The more the boy pleaded, the more the passengers got agitated as well. So they started telling off the conductor, 'wewe acha mtoto ashuke bwana' and they really seemed irritated by how the conductor was 'bullying' the boy by not allowing him to alight. So it went on until some ladies in the car said, 'usipomshukisha basi sisi sote pia twashuka.' When the conductor saw that the pressure was rising, he decided to let him alight. If you were in the car, you'd think all those people knew that young boy by the way they were complaining. So yes, definitely this is the place you will find the kindest and most hospitable people. They can sacrifice their own dinner or their savings to let you, the visitor eat very good food, be comfortable and to your full.

2. Food? Is that even a question? The best of recipes and foods come from here. From the delicious breakfast of mahamri and mbaazi, with tea or coffee commonly known as kahawa to the heavy lunch of wali wa nazi, samaki wa kupaka and fresh juice and ending it with dinner that could be anything really. The varieties of food are uncountable; giving you the utmost satisfaction by eating whatever you love most. Could be mishkaki, shawarma, biriani, pilau etc etc. The desserts are not any less mouth watering! To make things even more interesting for a visitor, there are cafes and ladies beside streets selling palatable food and bites at every corner in Mombasa and you may end up getting confused where and what exactly to eat. You can always ask those who travel out of Mombasa what they miss most, our Coastal food is always mentioned! Oh our mothers and ladies are just blessed with that kind of hand that can mix up anything and end up making a new invention; a superb recipe haha.

3. The Coastal beaches, hotels, historical sites and wild life parks are just a wonderful place to relax your mind and have the peace of mind that you just need. The breezy Coastal beaches are filled with coconut trees that make it such a wonderful scene and some magnificent hotels are positioned right at the shore. What more would you need? You can always wake up early to watch the sunrise at the beach or the sunset.

The places to visit are many and it's your choice to just make up your mind on which shore to explore on your sunny Sunday and yes, you can get an exciting ride on camels, donkeys and horses as well. Historical sites such as Fort Jesus and Jumba La Mtwana have so much meaning to the residents of Mombasa and they display the deep culture that has for long been an attraction for tourists.

4. The deep culture and beautiful people in Mombasa make it an interesting place to be in. We have all sorts of tribes inter-marrying and associating with one another. As such, we have inherited so many cultural traditions all at once. The Swahili, Arabs, Bajunis, Indians, Mijikenda, Barawas, Somalis amongst many others have been able to adapt each others traditions and live peacefully together despite a few differences here and there. There are several festivals such as Lamu Cultural Festival, Lamu Food Festival, Shela Dhow Race among others. Don't hesitate to join the festivity!

5. The outstanding evenings in Mombasa, the afternoon is usually the nap time for many who are free and the evening comes with such merry. You will find men just after their evening prayer seating with their mates, drinking kahawa chungu sometimes with haluwa or tende as they play backgammon. As for the ladies, an evening in Mombasa is not complete without the delicious viazi karai, bajia with chatini and ukwaju, sambusa, vitumbua amongst many other bites or sometimes it would simply be eating of the famous mabuyu, achari and sunflower as they sit watching TV, listen to taarab or most commonly chat with fellow women in their lesos and deras in their homes. The mabuyu and achari from Mombasa are used as gifts internationally so I guess this is where we make them best I guess? As for the children, you wouldn't miss seeing them jump and run about playing with their age mates. You won't miss to see boys and young men playing football in different grounds. They would go to buy barafu or babu kachri (It consists of a thick tangy potato gravy, sprinkled with crushed potato crisps and khara sev (a fried crispy snack made from chickpea flour and spices and topped with a spicy chutney) to spice up their evenings too. Well, what is life without food anyway? Sometimes they go for outings and walks in places like light house, buy kachri (crips), sit by the beach or go for ice cream. To top it up, there is no annoying jam to slow down your day. Here, people are always in the celebrating mood. Any day any time is the time for an outing. Where else do people have such spectacular evenings filled with joy, merry and children's laughter?

6. Among the best of house wives come from the Coast.  Ladies are taught from a very young age how to cook, how to handle a home and children such that when they get married, they are experts in being exemplary house wives. Being a house wife is really underestimated yet the work the ladies do to ensure their homes are up to date can't be ignored. They beautify themselves with piko and henna for their husbands, use vikuba which have different flowers like vilua, mawardi (roses), Asmini (Jasmine) sown together to perfume their hair and the most commonly known Udi to perfume their clothes, bodies and their rooms. They wouldn't miss a couple of lesos in their wardrobes from the famous Abdallah Leso with powerful messages and sometimes with mafumbo and methali.

7. The traditional Coastal weddings are just another thing!! The setting, the food, the pretty ladies!! During weddings, ladies wear crowns, necklaces (shada la pesa) or any other designs made of money and sometimes gift it to the newly weds or their relatives. I previously wrote an entire article about Swahili weddings, you can always check it out!

8. Religious Upbringing: As much as the Coast has different religions, the majority are the Muslims. Children are encouraged to go to madrasa at very young age, to participate in religious challenges as well as memorization of the holy book. We have Christians as well who have their own schedules for the young people and gladly, we have been able to inter-mingle with other religions without any problems. Such upbringing is to instill upright behaviour and humbleness in the children.

Mombasa and the Coast at large has been on the edge in the past few years. Things have changed, situations have changed and the people keep changing. With the coming of technology, many of the traditions, values and morals have been going downhill too. Nonetheless, today, let us just forget all the ills of Mombasa and appreciate the good and the multiple blessings we have. These are but a few, there are many more. I am not saying the above mentioned doesn't happen elsewhere, I'm just saying this is 'home sweet home'.

9 ESSENTIAL LESSONS I LEARNT AT THE UNIVERSITY

                                                         

                                                      


Photo Courtesy: drew.edu

On the day of my graduation, I met a university colleague just outside the compound while I was still in my gown. She congratulated me before asking what I had gotten in my results. The moment I told her it was a first class honors, she jumped with excitement and exclaimed, 'eish!! First class na huringi?!!' I laughed at this yet it made me wonder, what do people exactly expect from you after getting first class? Walk with head held very high and maybe start glaring at people from head to toe or write it on all walls, chant it like it is a magic spell, stop strangers on the road and tell them about my result or perhaps wear a placard that says 'I have a first class'?? :D

My classmate later on asked me what my feeling was for my achievement and I said, 'I am just grateful and happy' then when she realized how it wasn't such a big deal for me she went on, 'Ah you are a genius that's why.' Lol again, no, I was never a genius. I very well remember getting 7/30 in my CATS, getting a few C's in my final exams, panicking like a freak just before ALL my exams for not having read enough, without forgetting those assignments I terribly failed and literally had to ask the lecturers to make me understand how they were awarding marks. And no, I never cheated in my exams to get my first class. Perhaps this is where we say, 'where there is a will there is a way.' Sometimes, no I mean always, all you gotta do is work hard and put your entire faith in God with the belief that He will never let you fail when you have done your very best. 

So a pal who is still in university requested that I write about how one can work through challenges in university; both in academics and social life and the laziness, so as to get first class. Perhaps he too thought I am among the nerds who used to trans-night to study while my legs shoved in cold water and a very large cup of coffee beside me to keep me awake. Well, there is no single night I stayed awake throughout just to read nor was I in the library 24/7 exploring all the books in there. I believe so many factors are to be considered here; like what course you are taking, your IQ, your suitable studying technique and your social circle in university. As much as I made it through, there are a few things I wish I had been told, advised and warned about university life before hand that would have made it an easier path to walk through.

But even before we start on the topic, I'd like to re-tell what one of my lecturers said during his first class. 'When you finish university, you leave with one of these four things: your certificate, real life-long friends, a spouse/partner or a baby/AIDS. Sometimes you leave with more than one and sometimes you leave with none. You decide what you want to have' Perhaps this was the best advice we got as starters for we realized the importance of being focused from the very first time you join university.

1. <strong>There is difference between hard work and being a genius: </strong> Something very important for you as a student is to know where you lie in the IQ chart. Some people are geniuses, some are just hard working while some, are a powerful combination of the two. Well, unfortunately not all of us are born geniuses and we had to struggle to get to our goals. DO NOT compare yourself with someone else and DO NOT imitate their studying styles. I very well remember my only other mate who got a first class like me would not start a 10 paged assignment until the night before and he would still score very well or sometimes better than all of us mashallah while someone like me would start the same assignment two weeks ago and still get the same marks like him. To top it up, even while doing his work overnight, he would still do it comfortably with no fuss or worry while I would still be panicking to the very last second before submitting my work. SO do not look around and comfort your poor soul that so and so too hasn't started his/her work. 'I am not alone.' No buddy, you are very much alone. You are on your own in this so know where you stand in the IQ list and how to do your work in the best way possible. And perhaps you already know that you are not a genius and need to work extra hard and just taking it easy. Well, you can forget about the first class then. 

P.S. Even the geniuses have to put in effort to succeed, only that the amount of effort is what differs with each individual.

2. <strong>Studying style also differs with different people:</strong> Some students have to regularly re-read the same topics again and again before grasping it, some can just read a topic once and that is enough to make them get the A's, some can just listen to the teacher keenly and that's it, some need to listen to the teacher and also read a bit, some can stay without ever attending class but still study on their own and still succeed, some work best with cramming, some just have to trans-night before the exam day and they are good to go, some entirely depend on cheating while some have to do a combination of ALL the mentioned; read, re-read, listen to the teacher, cram, trans-night every night and cheat on top of it so as to succeed. Well cheating is really never going to get you anywhere because as far as you get in life, the effects of the cheating will appear in the shoddy work you will do in your job. So get to know what studying style suits your IQ and your course of course (as explained below).

3. <strong>Your studying style should consider your course:</strong> Of course the studying style for a medicine or architectural student can not be the same with the one for an art student. This is because the level of academic pressure differs to far extents. For other courses, theory is much more while in others, it is the practicals. Like for the journalism course that I was taking, our theory notes were just countable pages yet most units needed practical projects, assignments and exams. So you get to know where to put your greater focus on and as you've noticed all these 3 points inter-connect i.e. your IQ, your studying style and your course come hand in hand.

4. <strong>When the lecturer asks whether you want group work, be the first one to scream a 'NO'</strong> If possible, take a speaker and shout it out. Write it on the board in Red, Bold and Capital letters. Not unless you are one of those who like taking advantage of group work, you will totally agree with me that group work is annoying, irritating, time wasting and most of the time all the pile of work ends up being done by one or two people. To make it worse, sometimes you end up submitting very messy disorganized work done last minute. Well, sometimes you get lucky and get great partners to work with but still, it is very rare to get all your group mates being cooperative. You won't miss one or two who will just mess all of you up. Another mistake most students do is getting into the same groups with their friends with the thought that they can work best together. Well, not unless your friends are very focused people, you guys might just end up chatting and laughing, everyone waiting for the other to start the work until it is too late and you just decide to write up anything for the lecturer. You need to know you are in university alone and you will leave alone and all these small works given to you matter in your end result so take everything seriously from the start.

5. <strong>Be part of the society but not necessarily part of the group:</strong> In universities we don't miss to have groups in our classes. I don't mean the red cross groups and religious groups or so, I mean 'the birds of a feather flocking together'; the group of friends who hang out together of which most of the times they meet for less constructive issues or we can call them the informal groups. Well, it always feels nice to be part of a group but sometimes, peer pressure comes in. You start skiving classes, doing things you would never have thought of doing, not doing assignments etc. But there is also another problem of being part of a group. Usually social groups never miss to have opponents or rather, another group that just agree on how the other is. These differences usually lead to spoken and sometimes unspoken hot wind of hatred between the two or more groups. Differences could be of social class, academics performance, behavioural differences or even political. Trust me, in university, you don't really want to be part of a particular group because if there is any place you need to have good connections with people, it is university. Especially if you are living far from home; in hostels, you need the strong network with different people including the non-staff; the gate man, the cook, the cleaners.  You just never know when you will get into trouble and need someone to help you. And don't say I can never get into trouble. Sometimes you just need assistance especially in our Kenyan universities, you struggle a lot if you don't have connections in the administration offices i.e. the clerks, financial managers, PR etc You could need assistance in your projects and assignments from an IT guy or an engineering student or perhaps the graphic designer to design you a poster for the school elections; could be anything really. So be part of the general society; help others, laugh with all sorts of people, connect with people, appreciate them even when you have personal differences with them and hang out with them when you can but don't directly associate yourself with one social group only. It usually has its consequences; could be positive but most of the times it is negative. Well, as for the introverts, you don't really have to excessively connect with people. A simple hi with a smile every time you meet different people is enough. 

6. <strong>Your assignments and projects are your trump card:</strong> Never underestimate the value of your CATS, assignments and projects. Not unless you are among the ones who just want a certificate doesn't matter what grade it is so long as it's not a fail, you need to take every of these seriously. Because in the very end of your study,all your points in every step of your academic life do count to make up the final result.

7. <strong>Discipline</strong> Well, who doesn't know about discipline? We have been hearing about it our entire school lives. Remember the lecturers do consider your discipline even when awarding you with first class. Being arrogant just because you perform well won't take you anywhere far. How many times have we heard of students failing just because they had an argument with a teacher and they ended up being in their bad books? Perhaps that is the bad thing about university, your entire career life is in their hands by how they award you marks. Some are fair, some just fail you the moment you step on their toe. So be careful; respect your lecturers, your mates, be timely and meet the deadlines as required. By doing this the lecturer doesn't gain anything, you are the one gaining here.

8. <strong>Laziness and Procrastination:</strong> Ironically, we have been going to primary and secondary school as from 6 or 6:30 in the morning. We have been having more than 6 subjects per day with few minutes or an hour for a break, yet we are too lazy to wake up early for the university class that starts at 8 and ends at 11. Or too lazy to do an assignment that was given to you two weeks ago yet you previously used to do 3 assignments per day. I think this comes almost automatically to all university students. Wonder why? Nonetheless, this should give a reason to be more determined and focused, 'if I could wake up so early for a full day in school then why not for just 3 hours or 6?' Well, some courses are more demanding like medicine where they have to be in class full day but then still, you chose the course yourself; this is your goal and your dream so go for it. Getting A in secondary/High school doesn't count anymore when you get to university. The challenges in university are many especially on the peer pressure. If you are not careful you can easily drop out. The tables do turn and your hard work is all that matters. Personally I had a B- in secondary school and still got first class. And I am not the first nor the last to have done that. The vice versa has also happened. Very bright students who unexpectedly failed their finals while some didn't even get half -way through the years. So don't be relaxed that you are a genius who got straight A's in secondary, this is a totally different life and experience where you got to work hard to get to your goals. Stop procrastinating and start doing something now.

9. <strong>You have to be your own master:</strong> If you let friends divert you then you will definitely get distracted from what brought you to the university. You skive classes with someone who can very well succeed without the lecturer's directions while you really need extra elaborations to understand the lesson, what are you doing to yourself friend? You waste your studying time with rich friends who can afford to join any other university or course when they fail, but are you sure your parents can do the same to you when you fail? Do you really want to put them through such trouble? You don't do assignments because your friends didn't and take CATS jokingly because your friends can depend on the exams only to pass? Again, remember each person has their own IQ and own studying style that suits them best. So instead of just blindly following the flock, know when is the right time to hang out with friends and the time to really get serious with your studies. You went there alone and will leave alone. This is your future entirely in your hands therefore be your own master.

Finally, I'd like to wish you well as you go through this rough, tough road of university life yet filled with so many beautiful memories. Set your goals and be focused. Know which of the 4 things you want to leave the university premises with. But again, remember, Nothing comes easy. Nothing comes on a silver platter.

THE DEMONS WITHIN

CONTINUATION OF THE ARTICLE, 'WHEN BULLYING GETS SO REAL'

Photo Courtesy: pinterest.com

As I write this, I know I am speaking for so many people who have been victims of bullying and thereafter became either of two; a doormat or a monster they created. Being treated like a doormat sucks. It can happen for no apparent rhyme or reason; people using you, treating you like a dogsbody, walking all over you or not thinking about what you want or what’s best for you. The trouble is, the more it happens, the more you feel like you can’t change it; the more it happens the smaller you get.Being a doormat makes you become a people-pleaser; You do everything to please everyone. As for the monster created; a person becomes so bitter about life and people and just hate the idea of having to deal with human beings. They become like an angry lion who doesn't want to speak to anyone and just wants to be alone because people can't be trusted and are just too evil.

For a long time my personality fluctuated between being a doormat and being the bitter monster. Between trying so hard to please people and pushing them away at the same time. I read this from an article called, 'From Doormat to Bitch In 5 Seconds Flat; Assertiveness: The Happy Medium' about another victim who says, 'Those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder ( a condition characterized by difficulties in regulating emotion. This difficulty leads to severe, unstable mood swings, impulsivity and instability, poor self-image and stormy personal relationships) often think in black or white terms (all or nothing), or dialectics. In the case of being passive versus assertive, in the past, I saw no middle ground.  I'd either respond in a completely passive way, allowing others to take advantage of me, or I'd turn into a complete and total bitch, full of anger, hostility, and judgment. I would go from feeling like a doormat to exploding in response to the resentment, and I could be quite cruel. There is a middle ground, and the journey there is paved with learning boundaries and self-care.' And I too go through the same extremes being submissive and being too bitter. You just get too moody and trust me, it's not the life you'd wish for.

I didn't even know that this is the consequence of the childhood bullying I went through and I kept asking myself, 'what is wrong with me?' This question can be so damn irritating and annoying because you don't know if you are the problem or the rest of the world.

The seeds of people-pleasing are usually planted in childhood, according to Jay Earley, author of Finding Your Life Purpose. "Often, parents will simply tell kids what to do and never encourage them to assert themselves," he says. "When the kids obey, the parents give them conditional love."

Such an environment sends a subconscious message to children: The only way to feel valuable is to comply with others' demands, give others what they need, and "go with the flow." The pattern only solidifies as children grow up, fearing that if they do not strive to please, people will not love them. They respond to this perceived threat by becoming obsessed with meeting others' needs. Because girls are typically trained from an early age to accommodate and defer to others, a disproportionate number of people-pleasers are women.

Once established, such behaviors become self-reinforcing which makes them difficult to uproot. They get rewarded by bosses, co-workers, and friends just as they do by parents, prompting pleasers to assume doormat postures over and over again in hopes of receiving more kudos.

A doormat typically thinks he is below everyone else on earth. He/she apologizes a lot. And by a lot I mean A LOT. I have been apologizing my entire life; saying sorry for things I didn't do, taking the blame, apologizing to people who don't even deserve a greeting let alone an apology. I said sorry like it was the only vocabulary in my dictionary. And even when saying this I feel sorry for myself; for having neglected myself for too long. No, this is not for you to feel pity for the ones with doormat syndrome/ personality. It is for you to watch up your actions when dealing with emotionally 'weak' people rather than taking advantage. Nonetheless, doormat personality never really made me weak; it made me stronger and a survivor. It made me know how to cross oceans on foot and how to walk on cactus. It made me value the true people in my life and appreciate humanity.

A doormat easily gets walked on by others and is a victim of mistreatment. He/she believes she is always in the wrong somehow and thus the continuous apologies. They often feel life is unfair and wants people to feel sorry for them. They need approval from others because he/she doesn't approve of herself. I for example have been seeking approval of everything I do and say; of every single thing with the exception of going to the loo maybe lol. My friends are my witnesses. I always needed someone to tell me 'you have done the right thing', 'yes you should do that' 'Yes you are not wrong.' And even when I do something without an approval, I would still seek it after. It's depressing because you will never miss someone opposing your thoughts and in turn, it makes you start feeling guilty that you did the 'wrong thing'. As such, doormats are very poor decision makers and being put in situations where they must make a decision is a great dilemma. This does not only go for great life decisions but also simple issues like choosing a dress. This makes them go for anything and accepting being kept as the last option because they don't really know their worth.

A doormat complains to others the unfairness of others because they get comfort in sharing their pain with others. They are easily taken advantage of and are afraid to confront people in their lives. They can rarely say no when asked to do something by others and they usually find their power by making others feel guilty. Lol, the latter has always been my number one weapon to deal with wicked people (followed by my number two weapon of using sarcasm). And the more bitter I was, the more i'd make you feel guilty. Well, it's never on purpose. It just comes automatically. Yes, I will re-tell what you did to me, how you hurt me, how it damaged me and how you are going to regret :D Yes, you are definitely going to regret especially when you see my 50 messages and 20 missed calls :D Yes again, I am that paranoid but I have always believed that confronting people who have hurt you is always best than telling it to other people. So I usually write to the people involved; I'd write until the pen goes dry and my hand aches. I'd make sure to describe my every feeling at that moment and send it to the person who hurt me. When I am too angry, I could write it in both paragraphs and point form. You know, to make it more interesting :D The ones who have fallen victims of my very long paragraphs will vigorously nod at this and be like, 'damn she can write!!' :D Trust me, it makes you damn satisfied. That you were able to make a heartless person have a pinch of guilt in their heart is not a joke you know? :D You feel accomplished; like you have put that person in their place and now let karma and guilt deal with them. Well, making someone feel guilty has never been the right way to deal with villainous people because even their guilt is never long lasting, but when you are a doormat, you barely have anything to make you feel better. To make it worse, very few people actually understand what you are going through and the support is little so you just do whatever makes you feel right and for me, it has always been to write you a detailed description of the state of my heart. Oh yes, it works miraculously. Always made me feel like super woman, cat woman or something like that :D

So how does a people-pleaser end the cycle? While perpetual pushovers often lack self-worth and clear direction in their lives, breaking the cycle is complicated. The cure is not abstinence—neglecting others' needs entirely means crossing the border into narcissism. Take a close look at what situations trigger your pleasing behavior and why. "People-pleasing behavior comes from fear, from an assumption that others are in control of you. Healthy behavior comes from genuinely wanting to be connected to people," Earley says. "Ask yourself, 'Why am I doing this? Is it because I really care about this person, or because I'm afraid I'm going to lose them?' " This kind of questioning can help you uncover the source of the fears underlying your people-pleasing bent. Did your parents' conditional love lead you to dread abandonment? Did the pain of a past heartbreak make you overly anxious about offending or disagreeing with your new partner? Consider the answers and discard fears that don't make sense anymore.

Be receptive to others' concerns, but don't leave your own by the wayside. How to make sure you're the one manning the controls:

1. Start with you: Change starts with you dialing up your self-worth; something that can be started in the following ways:

a. Really give yourself credit for your achievements—all those things you’ve done and gone through in your life.

b. Get to know your values—those things that are woven through you and are the cornerstones for who you are.

c. Prioritise the nourishment of your body, mind, and heart—nobody else can keep you nourished and caring for yourself.

2. Start teaching others: “You teach people how to treat you“. If someone is regularly treating you like a doormat, their behaviour is not okay. Your task, and I get how scary this might seem, is to change your response to start giving them that message. This doesn’t have to be a big, dramatic showdown; it can be done gently and with the same respect that you want. You might be scared, but you know what you need to do.

As the famous line goes, help them help you.

3. Stall for time. If someone puts you on the spot, politely defer: "I'll check my calendar and get back to you tomorrow." Then you can assess whether the request fits in with your schedule and goals. 

4. Examine your motivations. People-pleasing seems like the epitome of niceness, but pleasers may assume their submissive postures because of what they expect in return. Being a people-pleaser might begin with the best intentions, but if you’re not careful, you keep on doing so because you want to see how pleased they are with what you’ve done or even to hear those magic words: “Thank you”. Being a people-pleaser can turn you into a bottomless pit—that not only sees others take advantage of you, but seriously damages your self-esteem. People-pleasing is not a selfless act; it’s a selfish one. It’s a flawed way to feel good about yourself, so stop it. How can you be more generous with yourself? And how would it be if you could be generous for others, not because of any validation but because there’s value in the very act of giving?

If you grant someone a favor, do it because it fulfills you—not to get something back. As a famous quote says, 'when you do someone a favour with expectations, it's business not kindness.'

5. Role-play to practice asserting your needs. Get a friend to play a pushy boss, parent, or acquaintance—whoever triggers your people-pleasing. Then practice saying no to unreasonable requests until it starts to feel natural.

6. Apply confidence: If you’re used to people walking all over you, it’s likely that you’re not used to asserting yourself. Natural confidence is being able to trust your behaviour with implicit faith in your abilities, so when you’re doing something, there’s no doubt about your ability to do it—you have full confidence. Applying that same sense of confidence to a new situation is what allows you to operate right at the edge or just out of your comfort zone, and this will feel uncomfortable. That feeling of discomfort isn’t the enemy and it doesn’t mean you don’t have confidence, it just means you’re someplace new. Trust yourself to do what’s best.

7.You’re Not Alone: If your ill-treatment has been happening for some time you might be feeling isolated in your experience, so it can be extraordinarily useful and important to talk about it, or even to ask for some support or help. Other people are going through what you’re going through, and you don’t have to do this alone.

Asking someone you trust to talk about what’s happening is not only a great way to offload a little, it just might allow you to step back enough to see a fresh perspective or another way through. You don’t need anyone to fix things for you, so don’t let that be your motivation here—the point is to connect with another human being so that you’re supported through this.

Think about it this way: if a good friend of yours was going through the same thing, wouldn’t you want to hear about it and support them in attaining something better?

8. Raise your expectations: There’s a massive cost to lowering your expectations to that kind of level, and the act of lowering your expectations and accepting bad treatment can be more damaging in the long run than the bad treatment itself.

Don’t ever make assumptions about what you should put up with or what you should expect. If you’re going to have any expectations about how things should go, base them on what you’d love to see happen, not what you wish wasn’t happening.

9. If All Else Fails

If you’ve truly done all you can to change things and to stop being treated like a doormat and nothing seems to work, then get the hell out. Life is way too short to have your experience of it and your self-esteem damaged by someone else, and sometimes you need to make a brave choice.

If you need to, be willing to remove yourself from the situation or relationship and start building the kind of life you’d love to live.

10. You deserve better: You don’t need to “keep on keeping on”, and you don’t need to put up with being treated like a doormat.

You deserve better, so make a start.

It's not easy, I very well know but this is our journey to self-love, to happiness, to healing and to have wings. Let those demons out. Do not let all the bitterness, anger and pain destroy you. Again, do not forget, you are not alone. Seek help and most importantly, learn to forget. It may take time for you to forgive the people who made you what you are but do know that forgiving people is good for your soul. Do it for yourself. Do it not because they deserve it by because you deserve the peace of mind. Because you deserve better.

Also do know that not everyone will be happy that you are changing. For now people may shower you with praises and say you are the best but that's just because you are always there for them and ready to serve them in whichever way. Well who doesn't like to play the queen/king role? They are glad to have you because you can easily be manipulated and controlled. Perhaps this self discovery journey is what will make you know your true friends for they are the ones who will support you to change and to become assertive and firm.

Before I end this, I'd really like to thank my family and very few friends who've been SO patient with me; my mood swings, my bitterness to the world and my low points. And to my best friend; for always pushing me to be assertive and for fighting for what I deserve from other people. Thanks for trying to understand me and for encouraging me to seek help. My most sincere gratitude to Mrs Salma Bashir for leading me on this healing path.

REFERENCES:

http://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/

Psychology today

self-love-u.blogspot.co.ke

www.lifehack.org

RESULTS CELEBRATIONS; THE KHALIFAN WAY

Special Dedication: Class of '011, 4Vee

Checking out on a video of Khalifan girls celebrating results, I smell nostalgia, can you feel it too? Khalifans' style of celebrating has always been entertaining, thrilling, amusing yet still amazing! In fact the earlier years' celebrations were even merrier. It used to be just a crazy scenario; girls shouting at the top of their voices, jumping up and down, singing all kind of songs including nursery rhymes like 'ukuti ukuti wa mnazi wa mnazi', 'masomo bila mahewa haidandii bila mahewa', 'wako wapi mahasidi waione khalifa kiboko yao' and some other song going like 'santiago chile' that I can no longer even remember, amongst other crazy songs being sang at the top of their voices :D But I must say; I definitely used to enjoy every moment of it especially being more of the observer. It always got me all emotional; finding my way through the crowd to hug the friends who performed.

It's both hilarious and exciting even remembering all this now. Like in form one, our class was the one with windows directly facing the gate and the fish pond. As the candidates who had received their results were storming in the next class (which was form four V) were now all screams and dances. Being new, we didn't understand what was going on until the other classes came out including the boys too. Mr Yunus (for the old Khalifans, you know him) was in class then and he was teaching us how to read the log books. Apparently we needed to be so attentive to understand that but we were all so curious; looking out of the windows and getting excited to join the chaotic celebrations. It was not his best day because with our agitation, we made him almost throw a chair at us. To make it worse, a form four girl fell into the huge dustbin right outside our class in the process of jumping. We were all laughing and it being a math class, of course we'd do anything to go out. And yes, we did succeed in that and poor, humble Mr Yunus had to leave the class :D And that is how we were introduced to the Khalifan jovial style of celebrating...yet amusingly, during all this chaos, the smart and bright students used to stay in class with the claim, 'we don't want to waste time' lool. However when the noise used to escalate they'd come out and peep 'what's going on?'. But let's get real, how does anyone read let alone write notes in such excitement? Not unless you are in form four...where that fear creeps in, 'I could be out there screaming like the rest but what happens next year when I don't perform and people will only remember me as a cheerleader and not a performer?'

Then comes the resolution, 'Let me make use of this time now so that next year, they can also celebrate my performance too' which is quite okay :D Other than that, I hope the bookworms have learnt that all work without play makes Jack a dull boy :D

I remember another incident, a time like this during the results season, we were in our Chemistry class and our teacher was busy scribbling moles on the board when the noise started from other classes and we knew; it's time for celebration! We always knew the noise symbolized yet another victory and as they say, 'it's party time!' So whenever the noise escalated outside, we would all start making choruses of 'siiirrrrr...let us gooo!' If someone heard us, they would think our adrenaline was being poked. The rhythmic rise and fall of the noise always went on for a while; when the cheers escalated we would thump on the desks like crazy gorillas demanding for food and when it subsided we would keep quiet too. If you are from Sheikh Khalifa then you probably know Mr Ngao, and the glare he can give you. Whenever our voices went up, he would turn from the board and glare at us with his head lowered and his eyes raised, We would immediately shush up and continue scribbling our notes. When he realized we were getting out of control, he once again turned from the board, smiled in a way to show he has surrendered and finally, walked out of the class. It was times like these that you'd just stare and say 'oh boy, people do have energy I tell you!'

The boys too wouldn't be left behind. They would demand to go out of the gates while some would decide not to wait for the gates to be opened and just jump over. Meanwhile other boys would push their friends in the fish pond and apparently this is the only day you can do that and not be punished for it; the only day all hell breaks loose and students get away with it :D Everyone would scramble into the buses as each individual wanted to be part of the screaming and singing of 'paka shume huyooo' to Allidina and Aga Khan students on the roads lol.

Looking back at all these memories I really miss those days especially coming from a class that had quite extraordinary cheerleaders. And then even as I was watching all this happening I kept saying to myself, 'why not?' Our efforts and our duas, Our dedication and hard work does deserve all this joy and merry. Why not show the world how Muslim brains can work? How lady jilbabies are not any less intelligent to challenge the world? How being principled and disciplined is the only way to success? And this is what my high school has proved to the world since time immemorial; this is precisely why I am proud being a product of such an institution. And yes! yesterday, we did it once again! Alhamdulilah we had the best results ever from Sheikh Khalifa with:

A 27

A- 85

B+ 38

B 18

B- 8

C+ 2

C 1

Once again we have been able to outshine others alhamdulilah and all we can say to all our haters out there who are dying to know what our secret has always been, then here it is: 'Allah is always with us,' and that it is this firm faith in Allah that makes us at the top of the map always.

Congratulations to all those who got their results yesterday and hey, welcome to the adult world! May God easen it for you out there and get you to your goals in shaa Allah :)

Finally, I guess you came up with the same conclusion as mine: We are definitely the best, not only in results, in celebrating too!! :D

#Proudly Khalifan :)

P.S. If you like my art then please vote for me at blogawards.co.ke/vote at creative writing category..and don't forget to 'submit'at the end of the page please 😉

Thanks in advance 😊

WHEN BULLYING GETS SO REAL

Photo Courtesy: www.ayeina.com

When you have been a victim of bullying for a greater part of your childhood or even adulthood, the effects of it can be long-lasting. We often take for granted what we say and do to others; very much such that we ignore how much we have affected their lives. My mum told me her story of when she was very young of maybe not more than 10 years. So she was living with her aunty and cousins and one day her aunty trusted her with some money to go deliver to a teacher in her school, who was also a family member. She was so proud of herself. You know the feeling you get when you are trusted from a crowd and given the honour of delivering an amanah. As young as she was, she felt so confident and she walked into the staff room full of teachers with her head held high. She gave the money as expected but unfortunately, the teacher didn't count the money when she received it (this again shows the importance of checking and confirming what we receive as soon as we get the amanah). Later on, the teacher reported that she received less money. So mum was summoned and asked why the money was less and she obviously defended herself that she gave it as it was. Three of the family members started interrogating her one after another taking turns. One would ask if she had taken the missing money and beat her up in the process, when he got tired another would come and do the same. They kept beating her and beating her until one of them said, 'we won't stop beating you unless you admit you took the money.' Having no other way out, mum confessed of a crime she hadn't committed and it was only then that they stopped beating her. Although she was let go, she admits that to date, that is one thing she will never forget in her life. That she was declared a thief and harassed and hurt badly for something she hadn't done. While growing up, she kept saying that she will never forgive those who did that to her. No I don't blame her. I have several people that to date I say I will never forgive. It's not easy as one may presume. One side of me really wants to forgive and forget but there is that bitterness you live with for the rest of your live. You become just so annoyed with people and life. You really can't wait for karma to get back at them. In fact you wish that when it all happens, you be right there to remind them, 'remember what you did to me? Now this is karma paying you back.'

In psychology, bullying is a distinctive pattern of deliberately harming and humiliating others. They couldn't exist without victims and they don't usually just pick on anyone; they single out people who lack assertiveness and radiate fear far long before they encounter bullying, which is so true. I have built walls as big as the great wall of China around me. Its defensive mechanism on always. You don't wait to be attacked, you are already keeping guard. Most people think bullying is just the physical; pushes, shoves, hitting, kicking and punching yet there is the verbal one of name calling (which I've been a victim of), taunts, threats, ridicule and insults. There is also the psychological/emotional manipulation whereby someone blackmails you emotionally so that they can get what they want, a tactic which is mostly used by girls. They keep you close by, discovering your secrets and weaknesses then pap! using you by that. So girl bullies mostly use intimacy as a medium of control. Oh please don't ask me what I have had to do because of girl bullies. They sometimes spread vicious rumours, mock you; mock you really badly at your looks, your tribe, race, your name, just anything they can mock you about; openly and secretly but since some girls can barely shut up, word will always get back to you. They tell others to stop liking you, they try to dominate you, look at you like crap, Intimidate you, threaten to withdraw friendship in order to get their way or simply giving you the silent treatment. As for boys, their aggression plays into goals shown to be important to them such as physical dominance, have things or instrumentality.

Something like what happened to mum happened to me too in my primary school. It was a boarding and day school but the rules were so strict that no day scholar should ever share or bring food to the boarders. Well it is an absurd rule but they say it is for 'health and hygiene' purposes. So my 'friends' yes, in quotes, used to borrow me food nonetheless. And since many know of how it's hard for me to say no, I still used to buy them food or share the one from home as well. So there is a day the boarders were summoned to name out all the day scholars who offer them food. Majority of the boarders in other classes refused to mention names but apparently that wasn't really my lucky day. So someone, from among'st the ones I used to give food to, mentioned my name. Don't ask me how I was punished that day. Ask me what my skin colour was by the time I left the office. I had been caned below the knees and the place had turned greenish black such that my aunty had to come to school and complain about the severe punishment. Then you go to class and someone simply says 'sorry?' SORRY?!! Seriously?? No, you are not about to say sorry and expect me to forgive you. Some of you will probably think it's silly to have not forgotten such a small thing. It may be a small thing to you but for me it wasn't. It was betrayal. Betrayal that made me unable to walk comfortably for a number of days. You know, when you have been a victim of bullying for a long time, you become submissive, so did I. So yes, I still kept sharing my food with these same 'friends'. I still kept doing homework for people, still giving out my book for people to copy, still giving and giving out more, still doing so much for people I called 'friends'.

You know, it is so unfortunate that we come from a society that doesn't value emotions or at what stage of our emotional make up we are at. All we care about is how far we are in material life and the only other important issue we ask about is why or when you are going to get married. It is so unfortunate because people keep their calm in these issues and be like, 'who in Africa commits suicide because of bullying? I mean, we are born in a scorching sun continent in a hungry continent in a miserable continent where slavery took place. You have no right to be in pain, hurt or even say what you really feel. You have no right to be suicidal, I mean did you forget that the Maumau fighters died for you to live in this independent country?! You forget that what goes into your stomach is more important than those silly thoughts and complaints you have about everything and everyone? You forget that Mandela was jailed for 27 freaking years in jail confined to a small cell, the floor his bed, a bucket for a toilet, he was forced to do hard labor in a quarry. He was allowed one visitor a year for 30 minutes. For you; people like you; for Africa and Africans, for racism to end!! Grow up kid, grow up!!' And then after that we are surprised when we see people become monsters. You made them so. You, who keeps being reckless with your words and actions. You who keeps complaining whenever victims talk and write about it. Oh, today, for once I won't bother what anyone will say about this. Please, if you are in pain, if you feel like your world is crumbling by, if you feel like you are just being used then talk about it. Take a speaker and shout it out if it is what makes you feel better. Write. Write many many paragraphs as you wish. Write because it is the only thing that will make you relieved. Draw, shout. Do whatever you want. Please do it but just don't kill yourself. Do it because you are the only one who knows how much pain you are in. You are the only one who knows what is your drug and what can make you feel better. Let them call you an attention seeker, they called me that several times but are they any better being egoistic judging you by your pain? NO. So let them call you what they want but do what it takes to make you feel better.

Never underestimate the effects of bullying and manipulation. It is like a ghost haunting you forever and unfortunately for me, it took me so long to realize that my ugly past made me end up to be a door mat in my adulthood. So heal yourself in your own way. I usually take these breaks from the world I call, 'self discovery/realization breaks' where I just sit alone and think about my life, how I have been and how to be better. I cut out communication with people and log out of social media. Trust me, it is healthy. People will think you are just being a weakling but again, never mind. They know not what your journey has been or is.

There are several reasons why a bully becomes a bully and why a victim becomes a victim. A bully is someone who hasn't learned kindness, compassion and respect. They usually don't need a reason to hurt others, they just want to feel stronger, smarter or better than the person they are bullying. They direct their frustrations, hurt, anger and difficulty to others. They just like to feel tough for most of the times they are more physically built than the victim. Sometimes people engage in bullying simply because they are part of a group and not because it is their behaviour. But since they want to feel part and parcel of the group, they participate in anti social behaviour. Well for those who know Miss Agatha Trunchbull of the Matilda movie, then she is definitely the perfect example of a big bad bully. And as for the victims they usually fall into the bully's trap probably for being at the wrong place at the wrong time i.e. working in a place where the bully considers you a threat, being competent i.e. successful, innovative , creative...you are just prone to envy. Being popular, having strength in character i.e. honesty, integrity, trustworthy, having vulnerability i.e. low assertiveness, Revenge i.e. sometimes a person responds to bullying with bullying or having raised concerns about bullying, fraud, safety or any matter where the bully feels implicated or at risk as a result.

Most of the times, victims cry and assume defensive postures. Being submissive is one of them. Not only do they not fight back, they hand over their possessions, handsomely rewarding their attackers psychologically and materially; powerfully reinforcing them. Perhaps another worst memory I have of my past as a child was how I sometimes used to really convince and persuade my sister to give out her stuff to 'my friends' even when she didn't want to simply because they liked the thing. It haunts me to date for in turn, it made me a bully to my sister.

Bullies' ultimate goal is to get a response. When they manipulate you psychologically or emotionally, they want to use you to get something i.e. 'You know you are my best friend and I have no other friend but you, please help me do this...or give me this thing i really like it' and when they get physical, it is usually to get to your nerves. They want you to fight back and most importantly, LOSE.

The best way to handle a bully is by avoidance; just know when to walk away. You don't have to listen to them. Sometimes you can use humour to defuse a bully who may be about to attack i.e. 'guess who is talking? The one with a D at school wants to give me life lessons'. Well maybe not exactly humour but sarcasm. Trust me, sarcasm has been my number two weapon. Well you will know of the first weapon in my next article where i will write about the door mat personality in shaa Allah. Anyway, another way to handle a bully is being assertive i.e. 'Just back off please...' or 'Get a life'. Also you can recruit a friend. Having a friend is one of the most powerful protective measures. Oh ask me about it. I've been hiding behind my best friend in forever and she is just untouchable lol. She is God sent trust me :) Another way, you may seek friendly people to be one of them. It helps when you have people to support you and help you stand up when you fall.

As for parents, you need to ensure your children have assertive behaviour. Ask them how their peers treat them, model good relationships at home because bullies are not born, they are made and it starts from the home they grow up in. Instill in your children empathy and compassion; let them learn how to be humane from a young age. One other important thing we should know and let children know too is that bullying is bad for the bullies themselves more than anyone else. It makes them angry and furious people which later on greatly affects their relationships i.e. they become batterers. They usually make identical cognitive distortions and attribute hostility to others where it doesn't exist. This misinterpretation gives bullies and batterers alike a way to justify violence. It is the greasy gear with which they typically shift onto others the blame for their own misdeeds. Bullies also tend to have their children becoming bullies for they feed the next generation with a belief that the world is an uncaring place, an excuse for another go at hostility.

This thing is very real. Just because we rarely have suicide cases in Africa for bullying as in Western world doesn't mean people are not victims. Be careful how you treat people. You may have forgotten something you did to someone which you may as well be taking so lightly or silly but someone out there is so bitter with you and forgiving you is not in their dictionary. As for you my dear who has or is a victim, learn to stand up for yourself, and this message comes back to me for I am in my healing stage; trying to calm down all these demons that have been long hidden. Seek help, talk to people you trust and not just anyone or 'friend', write do whatever makes you at ease. This is in the long run your journey and no one else's. This is your shoe that no one has worn so own it by standing up for your rights, your thoughts and your happiness! And share this, share as much as you can. Let others know it is okay, that you are in a journey, that you are growing, that you are healing. Let others know it is okay to seek help and talk of it. And by help I mean going for therapy to a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist. Don't let them swallow pills. Be there for victims and most importantly be understanding. I am going to be forever grateful for all those who stood by me when I was too weak to stand up; my family and close friends. Those who forever encourage my healing. Do the same to someone else please. Make a difference today in someone's life.

References: www.psychologytoday.com

            Bullyonline.org